January 31, 2003
We all scream for...
Just took at look at the True Majority website for the first time. In case you don't know, True Majority is "a grassroots education and advocacy project of Priorities, Inc., a non-profit, non-partisan, tax-deductible, 501(c)(3) corporation." It was founded by Ben of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream.
I have no problem with people attempting to better the world. I think that's noble and decent.
I do have a problem with Utopian Fantasies, and with "The Way Things Will Be If You All Just Follow My Rules." Realism is usually the first thing out the window.
True Majority has ten principles. Let's take a look at them, shall we?
1. Attack World Hunger and Poverty as if Our Life Depends on It: It Does.
Anchor our foreign policy in the compassion for the poor that unites all the world's religions. Reduce the debts of impoverished countries. Shift foreign aid from buying weapons to feeding people.
High-minded words that don't take actual facts into account.
According to the USAid website, "The United States has delivered or pledged more than 500,000 metric tons of food aid since the beginning of 2002. At a total value of more than $266 million, the U.S. government is the largest donor to the World Food Program's operations in southern Africa. "
I can pull lots more references for this from various government and newpaper sites, but I won't bother. True Majority is asking for this to happen, without much regard for the fact that it IS happening.
2. Champion the Rights of Every Child, Woman and Man.
Make America stand for justice, not expediency. Stop turning a blind eye to governments that abuse their own people. Ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child and the Convention on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. If punishing a foreign tyrant means, in actual practice, punishing the women and children who are his victims, desist, and find another path.
If we're supposed to stop turning a blind eye to abuse, why are you against this war? Or more appropriately, battle? (This is not a war, any more than Afghanistan was a war. Do you really think Iraq has a chance in Hell?)
And isn't removal of Hussein the most expedient way to help these women and children? I have yet to see Civilian Casualties from Afghanistan equal the "Peacetime" Casualties of the Taliban's rule. I suspect Iraq will be the same.
3. End our Obstructionism to the World's Treaties.
Throw America's full weight behind the United Nations, the only political body that holds all the world’s nations in the age of globalization. If the United States participates in the United Nations more effectively and fully, other nations will follow suit. Pay our U.N. dues on time and without conditions. Withdraw our lonely opposition to the landmine ban, Kyoto Protocol to halt global warming, and International Criminal Court. Show once again the "decent respect for the opinions of mankind" that our Declaration of Independence affirms.
I haven't payed much attention to the World Treaties issues. I'll have to read up on them. But my bullshit meter is pegging, due to the carefully chosen words of this Principle. "Lonely opposition to the landmine ban" suggests that we're evil bastards out to blow everyone up. I don't believe that. I do, in fact, believe that there's more to the issue than "we love landmines."
As for the UN, I've seen nothing good come out of that pack of selfish bastards. A few hundred countries, each scrabbling to get their special interests pushed ahead. A political body composed of pure pork. And we're supposed to work with that?
4. Reduce our Dependence on Oil & Lead the World to an Age of Renewable Energy.
Oil holds us hostage to regimes hated by their own people; their hatred transfers to us. America is 5% of the world's people but we generate 25% of the pollution that causes global warming. It's our duty to lead. We will reduce our energy consumption 25% by 2010. Make a Moon Mission scale commitment to develop solar and wind power technologies. Set and meet a goal of generating 20% of our energy from renewable sources by 2010.
Again, admirable goals mired in the muck of fantasy. Global Warming is still hotly contested. Remember Global Cooling twenty years ago? No one really knows what the real deal is. We're still guessing.
And we still have no clue whether wind and solar will ever do the job. My guess is no. No matter how much money you throw at it, it'll never scale.
Nevertheless, your statements are deliberately misleading without any hard facts. Are you sure that we create more pollution than, say, Japan or Indonesia?
As for "they hate us because we buy their Dictator's oil", I disagree. It's "they hate us because we're not them."
5. Close the Book on the Cold War and Ease the Nuclear Nightmare.
Cast a cold eye on giant weapons designed to destroy giant enemies that no longer exist. Cancel obsolete Cold War weapons. We applaud the nuclear force cuts announced by President Bush, but even 2,000 warheads poised and aimed at Russia are unwise. We squander $35 billion a year on this obsolete arsenal. Save half of that money, take our missiles off "launch on warning" and invite all nuclear nations to negotiate a nuclear weapons ban.
A ban which is worth the paper its printed on. Just ask North Korea.
All that agony over the Cold War, and nothing ever happened. Let's be realistic. The big boys never use such weapons. The little boys are just itching to. Are you sure that disarmament is such a good idea? We seem to be holding the various nuclear powers in check.
6. Renounce Star Wars and the Militarization of Space.
After spending $134 billion dollars (twice our lifetime commitment to cancer research!) our military has nothing to show for its obsession with a dubious Missile Defense but the deep suspicions of our new allies. Enough is enough.
Appeal to Emotion denied. "All those kids are dying of Cancer! Damn that Military!"
Militarization is a necessary evil. You think peace would last a week without any US military? Every tin-pot dickhead with a boat and a machine gun would be invading his surrounding countries within days. Fact is, we're one of the few stabilizing forces in this world, and it's mainly because we've got the big guns. We appear to be the only thing slowing 'em down. The EU clowns sure aren't.
7. Make Globalization Work for, not against, Working People.
Open the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank to the public. Let sunshine into the councils of the World Trade Organization and the North American Free Trade Agreement. Affirm that the welfare of the planet's people supersedes corporate patents and profits.
Unless it's Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Corporate patents and profits...
This "free money for everyone" statement seems so happy and jolly, and means nothing. Define what you mean. Don't try to just sell me a big bucket of Sunshine and expect me to follow along.
8. Ensure Equal Treatment Under Law for All.
Vigorously enforce and strengthen the nation’s civil rights laws that guarantee freedom from discrimination based on gender, race, sexual orientation or physical ability. Reform America’s criminal justice system laws so that justice is no longer systematically dispensed in a way that disadvantages minorities.
Name me another Country or Civilization that is as close to this as the US. Just try.
9. Get Money out of Politics.
Curtail the vast corrupting influence of corporate campaign contributions, which make Congress beholden to private interests. Enact public campaign financing--we can fund it entirely by closing a single offshore corporate tax loophole!
And keep money in special interest groups like True Majority, because we're non-profit! Seriously, this is a valid point. A pity there's no real meat here. Painted as a simple problem with a simple solution. Never mind the reality of a complex problem with labyrinthine loopholes.
10. Close the Gap between Rich and Poor Kids at Home.
All these words will ring hollow to the world if America does not close the chasm between rich and poor in our own society. We will fully fund Head Start and health insurance for the millions of American children who can't get either. We will invest the money needed to build and nourish schools worthy of this great nation.
Once again, it's For The Children(c). And the "chasm between rich and poor". As if that's ever been less than it is now. Puleeze. There will always be such a chasm, until the entire world is turned into a hive, and everybody has exactly the same amount as everyone else.
Funny thing, though. A hive always has a Queen.
I realize these are necessarily general principles that can't be addressed more fully on a website. But still, a cursory examination betrays a huge amount of Leftist spin. We're feeling guilty, we're bad, the World is good, we should take care of everyone that is less fortunate than us, and we should stop being such greedy pigs.
This from the founder of an Ice Cream factory. Oh, the irony.
January 30, 2003
Oh my Lord
Okay, SuSE Linux 8.1 is a whole different world.
I'm battling it out with the screen settings right now. My screen is wrapping back on itself. I assume I'm running at an incorrect refresh rate. Must get this fixed before my poor little monitor blows up.
Okay, I think I got it.
Maybe I should ditch the crappy little 15" Kanaka monitor...
Moo, I say
Dr Pepper Turns to Milk Drinks. Sounds like heaven to me.
I'm a huge fan of Dr Pepper. (Huge enough to know that there's no period after Dr when spelling the name.) It's my drink of choice when swilling sugar-based drinks. I like others, but Dr Pepper makes my heart skip a beat. And makes my insulin levels rise.
And no, there's no prune juice in it.
If anyone sees "Raging Cow" in a grocery store, let me know. I want to know. I must know!
Website
Away we go. I've got SuSE Linux 8.1 busily loading itself onto Norman. 42% through CD one, with six more to go. It's gonna take a while, and then I get to figure out how to migrate this website onto it. Oh, what fun.
Actually, it is fun. I like the challenge, although loading Linux via the SuSE installation disks is hardly a challenge. They've done a nice job of making it install itself. The real fun will come in when I try to configure and run the Apache server.
But then the joyfulness will begin. Unlimited disk space, no competition for CPU cycles, and a clear line with only our household traffic to contend with.
Lucky you.
Right. Sure. Uh-huh.
Iraq to chair U.N. disarmament conference.
(Shakes head and sighs.)
Link courtesy of Mean Mr. Mustard.
January 29, 2003
New Member of C.R.A.P.
George, you're free to say what you want.
And I'm free to consider you a Gaping Asshole.
Fuck off, George.
(This comment brought to you courtesy of the Celebrities Ridiculous Arrogance Partnership. Spoiling your enjoyment of films, music and literature since 1909.)
Link courtesy of Mike at ColdFury.com
Cannons of Kartoffel
The big new trend for German youth appears to be potato guns.
Amusing, since I was just talking potato guns and trebuchets in Rachel's comments last week. I had a potato gun, courtesy of a relative, and had a good time with it. I no longer have it, but I'm glad I did.
And I'll tell you what; those things can really fling vegetables. They make a distinct FOOMP sound, and launch spuds quite a distance.
Now if we could just encourage more German youth to make Trebuchets...
January 28, 2003
Left Behind
4-year-old girl left on St. Paul Head Start bus.
That's the second time in less than a week. What the hell is wrong with these people? How can you forget about a child on a bus?
There were two employees on this bus, caring for pre-schoolers. Less than a week after a child was left behind on a different bus, these two people do the same thing.
Walk your damn bus after you've dropped the kids off. Look in the seats, you morons. Dammit, how many times do we have to say it?
January 27, 2003
Seven great programs on Cartoon Network
Funny how much of my television viewing seems to revolve around Cartoon Network, and their Adult Swim block. Here are seven reasons why.
1. "Futurama" - I can get a regular fix of Fry, Leela, Dr. Zoidberg and Bender. While The Simpsons is the star attraction, I think Futurama is the better of the two shows. More interesting situations, more bizarre variety, more humor. Not that I'm dissing Homer Simpson. But how can you beat Dr. Zoidberg and his appetite?
2. "Sealab 2021" - I was a kid during the Hanna Barbera/Filmation/Rankin Bass heyday. I watched a lot of crap television. Sealab takes that crap television and turns out beautiful distorted freakfests. Captain Murphy, disconnected from reality. Debbie, the center of all the male attention. Stormy Waters, King of dorks. Dr. Quinn, the only one who has a brain. Sparks, busy selling organs on the black market, or making drugs from endangered fish. Marco, better known as Eric Estrada.
3. "The Brak Show" - Come on, you've seen him. He's the loveable, huggable villain from the old Space Ghost series. Well now he's a happy young man, living with his Mom and Dad, best friends with Zorak the Mantis. He sings, he dances, he dresses up like a potato.
4. "Aqua Teen Hunger Force" - Honestly, I don't know what the fuck is going on here. A meatball, a shake and a box of fries are roommates. Almost completely incomprehensible, but damn funny.
5. "The Oblongs" - Freaks. Mutants. Weirdos. Watch for Helga, the human eating machine.
6. "Home Movies" - This is the natural offspring of "Dr. Katz", a show that used to be on Comedy Central. Three eight-year-olds that make their own movies, play soccer, and go to school. Heavy on dialogue, and light on actual animation. If not for the "Squigglevision", they would hardly move.
7. "Samurai Jack" - Okay, he's not part of Adult Swim. But his show is thoroughly cool. Very arty, very Kung-Fu. Genndy Tartakofsky created this after creating "Dexter's Laboratory". That's two for two.
January 26, 2003
Eyes like lint
We just finished watching the extended version of "The Fellowship Of The Ring". Well worth the $24. The extras (which we're halfway through) are worth the price alone. The movie makes more sense, according to Fred, and I was pleased to see some important stuff put back in.
The gift-giving scene, for instance. While it's not critical to the storyline (especially the modified storyline that the movies are following,) it conveys a lot about the characters. Most especially Gimli.
Four hours is a long movie, though. Yikes.
January 24, 2003
Political Pinhead
Artchick has an interesting piece about Sheila Jackson Lee, who is currently introducing a bill to keep Bush out of Iraq.
It appears that Ms. Lee doesn't take well to criticism. Artchick wrote her a note a few years ago, taking issue with Lee's refusal to answer a direct question. Care to guess what the reaction was?
Congress-Critter indeed. Any response from those of you in the great state of Texas?
January 23, 2003
Ain't Misbehavin' no more
I liked her. And I thought she had an excellent voice.
On the lighter side, did anyone have her as a Dead Pool pick?
"Too soon! Too soon!"
I'm sorry. That was tacky.
So, anyone for cheeseburgers?
"Stop that, you disrespectful jackass!"
Again, I'm sorry. I should just shut up now.
(Split Personality Postings courtesy of Bill Cimino. Your one-stop blog for tasteless ramblings and meaty cats.)
Poll disappears!
Zander's poll, referenced below, has disappeared. In fact, the whole site changed. And now I can't find the poll.
Not sure what happened. Zander, buddy, you out there?
Here's a link to Bill. Go read him, and leave him hate mail. He craves hate mail. Oblige him.
January 22, 2003
Spreek Engrich!
I really love Engrish, the peculiar distortion of Japanese or Chinese translated badly to English. The cadences are odd, the grammar is surreal, and the imagery is hilarious.
Here's a great example. Mind the Beer chan, a beer fairy. Remember, it never look an adult, but actually is enough big to drink.
Eek!
A School Project
Zanderkind has a school project, and is running an anti/pro-war poll for research. Go visit him and help him out, okay?
Either answer the Anti-War poll on the left, or the Pro-war poll on the right, depending on your personal convictions. And only vote once! We're trying to give the young man some decent data for his paper.
That means you too, Bill. No screwing around, or leaving meaty cat pictures in his comments.
PvP
One of my favorite online comic strips is PvPonline. And yesterday's comic was excellent. Especially for those of us that are no longer in our twenties.
January 21, 2003
Blowhard and Sprawl
MSNBC may station Ventura's show at Mall of America.
I'm hard pressed to figure out why the Mall of America would want to be associated with either Ventura or MSNBC. Honestly. Would you want Ventura blathering away in your building? Would you want to be associated with the pointless and unwatched MSNBC?
Hell, shoot a porno at Camp Snoopy. That'll do more for foot traffic than either of these losers.
January 20, 2003
It's getting crowded in here
The new PC is up here with the others. So far Ophelia and Norman have not gotten into any fights with Lance, but there's plenty of time for that to happen.
Norman is handing data off to Lance as I type this. I've got lots of pointless documents to filter over, and it'll take a bit of time. And then Norman gets stripped of his hardware. No way am I leaving that nice sound card in a web server.
In the meantime, Ophelia and I are surfing the web and leaving obnoxious posts on this site. Fun, hey?
Squeal like a pig
The latest automotive fad? It's muffler whistles.
Lord. How annoying can people get?
January 19, 2003
Sunday
Today's agenda includes the following items.
1. Go see Chicago. It's at our favorite theater now, so we're off to see a musical. (Like the good little fruits we are.) I don't know anything about the story, other than it being about Chicago Gangsters in the 20's/30's. I'm looking forward to it. Despite the fact that Richard Gere might sing.
2. Work on new PC. I've got some hardware transfers to do this evening, in preparation for the cutover to the new machine. Fred's getting a new machine (Lance) to replace the old machine (Norman). Norman is going to become the new web host for this site. Isn't that exciting?
3. Roast a turkey. Contrary to all popular traditions, we didn't have turkey at all this past holiday season. We had spaghetti on Thanksgiving, and a pork roast on Christmas. So we're having a small turkey for the two of us today. It's been soaking in brine since last night.
That sounds horrible. It's actually fantastic. The turkey has a moistness that is unbelievable, and isn't the least bit salty. The brine actually helps push broth into the flesh. Yum, yum, yum.
So that's the big plans for the rest of the day. Might get it all done, might not. But we're gonna have fun trying.
January 18, 2003
Strips
This stripcreator stuff is damned addictive.
Given that my artistic talents are hit and miss, this is a nice way for me to write stuff and still produce something borderline interesting graphically. I'm lucky that I picked the single most complete character in the stripcreator system. It's made it much easier to convey emotions visually. The other characters can be much more one-note, while this main character gets all the good reactions.
I'm really enjoying this. Hopefully you are too.
January 17, 2003
Interesting quote
It may be annoying, but the rash of hijackings by Connecticut WASP girls surely explains the time-consuming -- but still somehow completely useless -- examination of my personal effects. We all have to make sacrifices for airline safety. -- Ann Coulter
I really dislike Ann Coulter, because of her flapping crumb-hole and the deliberately provocative things it spews at times. But I'll give her this one.
(Shamelessly stolen from Aaron's Rantblog.)
Another Larry Miller
Here's another article by Larry Miller, entitled Coin of the Realm.
It's about a Marine, Lego-Land, and a coin.
Forget General Hawley
The General Hawley article I posted about below? It's not by him. It's by Larry Miller. The comedian. The evil doorman on "Seinfeld".
Go read it in its original form.
Update: Good grief. What is it with you people commenting on year-old postings? It's annoying. Cut it out.
Peace protests and potlucks
Regarding this weekend's various peace protests and marches, Michele at A Small Victory makes some interesting points.
Of course in this country, unlike Iraq, you have the right to gather in large groups and chant and protest and call your own government all the silly names you like.
While you are waving your signs and giving the finger to the cops, someone in Iraq is being tortured for speaking out.
While you are parading around naked because you want to be "vulnerable for peace," a woman is being stoned because her head wasn't covered properly.
While you are indoctrinating your children into the anti-war movement, Iraqi children are starving to death in dank prisons because their parents were deemed a threat to Saddam's regime.
I agree with her. I don't care for war, I think it's horrible. But I think it's far more horrible to leave the Iraqi people in such desperate straits. How can any of the peace protesters really think that their way is the only way? A few of them need to see reality, and get their brains out of fantasy-utopia-land.
There is evil in the world. And it ain't Dubya.
January 16, 2003
Daily Horror
Oh, the frightening things I see on a daily basis. Try this one on for size.
Cathy Rigby as The Cat in the Hat.
A big billboard on Hennepin Avenue. With that mug on it.
Am I the only one who can't make the connection between perky Miss Rigby, and the sarcastic S.O.B. in the Hat?
Maybe she was researching a cookbook for Pete Townshend?
(Welcome to today's stop on the Amish Tech Support Blog A Day Tour. It's a short, simple jab at the headlines this time, graciously hosted by Susskins.)
"No, it's not Macaroni and Cheese and Rat Poison. It's Cheese and Macaroni and Rat Poison!"
TYLER MORNING TELEGRAPH: Baby Sitter Charged With Poisoning ChildrenTammy and Tony Light said everything appeared normal when their three children were picked up and taken to their longtime baby sitter's residence.
About two days later, the children were taken to an East Texas hospital and treated for poisoning. Until that July day, the Lights' children, Paige Penn, 9; Tiffani Penn, 8; and Ricky Light, 2, were occasionally taken care of by Janet Askins, 50, Quitman. She had helped for about two years, the Lights said.
Quitman Police Chief Bill Wansley said the department received a call last July that Ms. Askins had allegedly hidden rat poison in the children' macaroni and cheese. Her husband also had eaten the food, he said.
I can't wait until the babysitter sues the parents to get paid for her time.
(Thanks for reading today's Amish Tech Support post, and feel free to volunteer your site for a stop on the Amish Tech Support Blog A Day Tour today!)
Update: Comments are now closed on this old entry. Honestly, you people. Stop acting like retards and commenting on postings from over a year ago.
January 15, 2003
Mad, I tell ya...
The freaks are out, and they have access to bandsaws and websites. Check out the Visible Barbie Project.
Amazingly disturbing. I know it's a plastic doll, but I'm still creeped out by the images. Lord, this is just WRONG.
Technical matters
The Dispatch will be moving shortly. I'm running out of room on my webspace, so this little party is going to transfer to my own web server within the next two weeks. With an official domain and all.
Should be seamless. I'll maintain this location until the transfer happens, and I'll let you all know.
In the meantime, you'll find that a few pictures in the archives have been deleted. So don't be too surprised by broken pics.
How handy
A story in the Minneapolis Star Tribune about a Stewartville adult store offering a 'clergy discount'.
People leaving the church see: ``No need to mail order. Gay videos in stock. Clergy discount. Have good sex. Hallelujah!''
Yikes!
January 14, 2003
If everyone else jumped off a...
Fine. I guess I have to join in with the Stripcreator fun. Here's my strip.
Don't bother complaining. I'm sorry already.
More on Huffington
Mean Mr. Mustard talks about the Huffington SUV Flap.
This assumes that we can't change the fact that oil money is funneled to terrorists, and that is, in short, the biggest sack of crap this side of Michael Moore's ass. For doing just that is one of the two main focuses of the war on terror, and there are numerous indications that great progress has and is being made. When Saddam is just an unpleasant memory and the mullahs of Iran have been deposed by their own people, a significant amount of the apparatus for getting money to extremists will immediately be dismantled.
He's got some really good points. While it's fairly annoying that these SUV Militants are often hypocrites, it doesn't address the real fact that SUV mileage hardly counts against total oil use.
Stop worrying about mileage, and start worrying about the actual terrorist support infrastructure. That'll make a far bigger impact.
January 13, 2003
My turn
Here's me in all my giant pink glory. (From about three months ago.) Bonus points if you can identify the CD I'm holding.
Update: No bonus points if you're Artchick or Raven Rider. You have already seen this picture. (Paul has, anyway.) And no telling!
How did I miss this?
General Dick Hawley talks. You'd better listen.
Finding humans is not possible with satellites. You have to use other humans. When we bought all our satellites, we fired all our humans, and here's the really stupid part. It takes years, decades to infiltrate new humans into the worst places of the world. You can't just have a guy who looks like Gary Busey in a Spring Break '93 sweatshirt plop himself down in a coffee shop in Kabul and say "Hiya, boys. Gee, I sure would like to meet that bin Laden fella." Well, you can, but all you'd be doing is giving the bad guys a story they'll be telling for years.
Someone buy this man a beer.
January 12, 2003
Movie Madness
Tonight's feature: "Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy"
An overlooked gem from the nineties. Five guys playing about thirty different roles. A large pharmaceutical company. An anti-depressant drug that locks your mood onto your happiest memory. A marketing guy named Cisco. A rock band at The Suicide Club. Cancer Boy.
I love these kind of movies. The plot is rediculous, the characters are broad and varied, the humor is dark and weird. Scott Thompson plays Mrs. Hurdurcure, also known as Patient 957. I love watching him play old ladies. He has the patterns down perfectly.
Why didn't this movie do well? Too specialized a taste, I guess. There don't seem to be a lot of Kids In The Hall fans, and there don't seem to be any fence-sitters. So either you like 'em, or you don't.
I like 'em.
January 11, 2003
Frosty
Got up this morning to a balmy 1 degree above zero. Minnesota is acting like it normally does in the winter, at least partially. It's cold out there. The heated birdbath on the back deck is having trouble keeping up. (Seriously.)
Okay, laugh if you want to. I LIKE having a bird station in back. We had six Cardinals visit us this morning. A single Cardinal is pretty. Six is stunning.
No, not this kind of Cardinal, you fool. This kind.
The odd thing about this winter is the complete lack of snow. The ground is bare. We have not had to shovel/scoop/blow any snow at all this year, and it's mid January already. Unearthly weird. We've had a couple of snowfalls, but they've been laughably light, like powdered sugar on top of a bundt cake.
As a result, we've got a lot of geese that haven't migrated south yet. That may change with the current cold snap, as the open lakes and rivers may finally ice over. If that happens, they're outta here.
Weird, weird winter. I keep expecting rain to fall. And it has. A week before Christmas, it was in the forties and raining. It smelled like autumn.
My animal brain is all confused.
January 10, 2003
Celebrities, Inc.
Another gem from James Lileks.
"No one dislikes an actor who has a powerful thirst, but I think everyone in the Western World thinks Russell Crowe is pure fresh buttcake, because he compounds his boozyphilia with violence and poor hygiene."
There's more, oh so much more.
Causa Belli-achin'
England's Poet Laureate Andrew Motion wrote a brief but annoying poem about war.
CAUSA BELLI by Andrew Motion
They read good books, and quote, but never learn
a language other than the scream of rocket-burn.
Our straighter talk is drowned but ironclad:
elections, money, empire, oil and Dad.
Tim Blair challenges everyone to write a better one. I'll take that Challenge.
CASEOF DIARRHEA by Keith Hopkins
They see the world around them, but haven't quite yet learned
that idealism eventually gets their fingers burned.
I suspect a few have lost their pea-brains to a Mohel;
No, you dickless idiot, it's not all about the oil.
(awaits applause and large government grant.)
UPDATE: Acidman complains that no one writes poetry that scans. It's not that I don't know how to work out the rhythm of poetry; it's just that I'm not gonna expend any more energy on these four lines of drivel. I've got better things to do, such as arrange matches, or kill the crazy dog with a handbag with a brick in it. Right after I climb a tree and put on makeup.
January 09, 2003
Crossover appeal
I have a friend who will be absolutely outraged by this. She's already unhappy with the plot changes to "The Two Towers".
What will happen when she sees this new character introduced to "The Return of the King"?
Movin' South
When I'm ready to retire and escape the cold of Minnesota, I'm going to Mississippi. The state where a man can find the finest Mobile Homes in the US.
Makes me think of my friend Todd Long. Though he has better teeth.
Gong!
Lileks hates Chuck Barris.
I don't get that. Chuck is way too unimportant in the scheme of things. So he's a psychotic creep. So what? I find him as dull as Andy Kaufman. Barris has contributed some pointlessly amusing game shows, a third rate song, a biography I've never read, and the genesis for a movie I'll probably never see.
I just can't get all whipped up about that. His contempt for himself and all of humanity is too localized for it to affect me. No one takes him seriously. Even the people who take him seriously don't take him seriously.
Save your bitterness for someone worthy, James. Someone like Garrison Keillor.
January 07, 2003
Oh, my...
Mike at Cold Fury rips apart a column by Heather Mallethead.
Brief, pointed, and mighty funny. And full of salty fuckin' language.
Scooter of the future
Yesterday, walking to my busstop, I was passed by a Segway. Yep, one of those dippy little scooter things.
It actually looked kind of neat. But not $6000 neat. Thanks; I'll spend that kind of money on other things. Like clothing, insurance, house payments, food, car, the doctor, etc.
January 06, 2003
Res Ipsa Redux
I have been informed by Rita that the Jetpack Barbie incident did NOT involve alcohol.
Which makes me even more nervous about her and her family/friends...
January 05, 2003
Res Ipsa Loquitur
New blog for the blogroll! Res Ipsa Loquitur.
I was immediately cracked up by the account of Jetpack Barbie. It's amazing what an attorney can get into when there's liquor, fireworks and children's toys around.
January 04, 2003
Call off the search
Bill's alive! And he left us all a Loving post! Madonna didn't burn the house down! Hurray!
A Very Important Film
Tonight's movie experience goes back to 1988. A cold, dark, brutal film called Dangerous Liaisons.
There are a handful of films that are personally important to me for one reason or another. This is one. Fred knew it was important to me, and gave me the DVD for Christmas. Good shopping, Fred.
Rich, bored Aristocrats in late Eighteenth Century France play brutal emotional games with each other, and with the innocent Aristocrats around them. There's a lot of manipulation, seduction, betrayal, and torment. There's also a lot of sex.
It's endlessly fascinating to me. I've seen it many times, and I get buried in it every time. Each viewing gives me a more complete overall picture. A fair amount of the movie is implied, shown through facial expressions or body language. This is not the easiest movie to get the first time. You miss a slight smile, you're lost. Pay attention!
It's worth it. The politics are brutally fascinating. And the terrible price of love is heartbreaking to watch. Glenn Close and John Malkovich go at it with psychological knives, all while carrying themselves in a calm and gracious manner. I consider this the single best performance that Glenn has ever given, and will ever give. She is beautiful, regal, and absolutely deadly.
This is NOT a happy movie. This is NOT a movie for kids. This is NOT a popcorn movie. (Even though we had popcorn.) This is a movie for catharsis and nail-biting.
God, I love it so.
FLYlady
I've been using the FlyLady system at home lately. The house has been a mess, bills don't get paid in a timely manner, and life was pretty stressful.
The basic gist of FlyLady is that you can do anything in fifteen minutes. You don't have to do everything completely or immediately. The house didn't get messy in a day, and it won't get clean in a day either. So stop fussing, and just do a little bit at a time.
The other thing she says is "Housework done incorrectly still blesses your family." And she's right. I don't have to do it perfectly. I just have to do it regularly. Regular maintenance will get rid of the worst of it.
My house has never been cleaner, and the mounds of CRAP are gradually disappearing. Amazing how much influence a silly little website can have on a person.
Wahoo! I'm FLYing!
January 03, 2003
Ventura opens his yap again
"As of Monday, you will fear me," said Ventura to the media at his last official news conference.
What's that mean? You gonna show up at WCCO after a long bean-filled lunch at Chino Latino?
Just shut up and go away, you bobble-headed dork.
A very respectable age
If JRR Tolkien were still alive, he would be Eleventy One today.
Stinko
Garbage collection exposes you to all sorts of privacy violations. Some of the city officials in Portland, Oregon see it as acceptable. Their stance is that it's okay for the Police to snoop through your garbage, looking for incriminating evidence, all without a warrant. Wanna guess how they felt when a newspaper returned the favor?
I especially enjoyed the reaction of the Mayor. Oh, for a good picture of her face.
Few things give me more amusement than someone being speared by their own words.
Makes its own gravy
Oh my Lord. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh, fuck it. I'll take two dozen hamsters, please.
January 02, 2003
January 01, 2003
Drunken Blogging (final)
Nine hours later, and still nothing from Bill. Maybe they're all poisoned by bad pork and sauerkraut. (Bullshit. There is no such thing as BAD pork and sauerkraut.)
More than likely the festivities got out of hand, and the drunken blogging became impossible, because of, well, drunkenness.
Have a good night, Bill. Try not to throw up at the foot of the bed.
I'm off to bed in moments. The evening ended with a spectacular fireworks display in the front driveway, courtesy of a multipack of big sparkly fireworks at Sams Club. Lots of stinky, noisy fun. (No aerial stuff, though. Minnesota law forbids it. No firecrackers, and no rockets. Everything else is legal. As of last June. Prior to that, no fireworks AT ALL.)
Next year, we'll make a little jaunt to a proper fireworks stand, and get some real stuff. Most of this lot was the exact same fireworks, repackaged over and over. Still fun, though. Next year I want big blaring fountains, all different types. And maybe some Roman Candles. And there are few things as fun as bottle rockets.
Back to work tomorrow. Two days of work, and then a weekend. This holiday schedule is killing me...
Drunken Blogging
Something horrendous has apparently happened at the Cimino household. There has been no posting since 12:30 Eastern, which was six hours ago. Several scenarios come to mind.
1. Bill is so damn drunk that he can't find the computer.
2. Alice has knocked Bill out by hitting him with a mayonnaise jar, after a massive argument about pickles.
3. Bill is in the emergency room after a particularly nasty bathing session with Oscar the meaty cat.
4. Bill's Mother-In-Law has set fire to the place, and everyone's out on the street.
5. The power's out.
Can't decide which one is more likely. Any thoughts out there?
Back from the Shack!
Back after an afternoon meal at Joe's Crab Shack. I'd like to say that it was Crabilicious, but that'd be lying. (Mom was adamant about not lying.) Truth is, it was only fair.
Disclaimer: Minnesota, with the exception of Lake Superior, is a severely land-locked state. If it isn't Walleye, it's frozen. All shellfish (with the exception of the very annoyed lobsters in the tanks) are hardly fresh from the sea. Net result: if you don't adjust your tastebuds to the fact that you're nowhere near an ocean, you will be forever disappointed by any seafood served in restaurants. I of course made this adjustment in my infancy, automatically.
Joe's Crab Shack is sadly inferior to Red Lobster. Does that give you any idea about our meal tonight?
Fifty bucks that could have produced a better meal. We're both rather disappointed, but now we've got the "let's try Joe's Crab Shack" thing out of the way and can go about our Red Lobster business as usual. Me with a plate of shrimp, and Fred with King Crab legs. And lots of those garlic and cheddar biscuits. Mmmmm.
Oh, and one last thing. The decor at Joe's is even zanier than TGI Fridays. That's not necessarily a good thing.
Drunken Blogging
Bloviating Inanities: Pork And Saurkraut
Oh, yummy. Pork and sauerkraut. Let's hope that the cook washes her hands before fixing it.
Drunken Blogging
Bloviating Inanities: So Far...
Lord help us. Bill has been to K-Mart today. It's New Years Day, fer chrissake. What self-respecting K-Mart is actually open?
Bill is also threatening to bathe Oscar the injured cat while drunk. I suspect that typing will be a problem later in the day, due to the large number of injuries sustained when Oscar lashes out.
Bill's Sister is wearing a Barbie Tiara. Yecchhhh.
Oh, and there's a lovely song from The Wedding Singer. Did I mention how annoying Adam Sandler is?
Drunken Blogging
Bloviating Inanities: Auld Lang Sigh...
So far, Bill is starting off well. A little grumpy, in need of more drink, and overly impressed with the results of last night's Mad Gab game. Nothing compared to our round of Holiday Charades, I'm sure, but then that's hard to beat.
Second drink by 11:35 AM. (Bill, that is. I'm blogging sober.)