The Oldest Trick in the Book
A Spamfic by Spanner
spanner@visi.com
Spanner's Lightside Homepage

Disclaimer: While the characters in this story are my own creations, the universe they live in is based on Tenchi Muyo, which is owned by Pioneer, AIC, and countless other people who are not me. It's all great stuff. Even Tenchi in Tokyo. Really.

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Jehran Jurai stood at the deck of the Ryo-tan and surveyed the tactical data before him with a brooding eye. The war was going very poorly indeed. All across the map, glaring red X's marked the locations where the Terrans had scored another victory. Every red X marked the death of a Jurian treeship, as well as any number of support ships. Every X brought the Terrans closer and closer to Jurai. Here and there, a green circle brought some small measure of comfort, but the number of Terran vessels destroyed was absurdly disproportionate to the victories they claimed.

As a minor Juraian noble in possession of a second-generation treeship, and stationed near Jurai itself, Jehran had once felt arrogantly secure in his own safety. Now, as ship after ship was destroyed, many of them far more powerful than his own ship, he felt only fear. Fear for his life, and for the lives of the people he protected. 'We were supposed to be invincible,' Jehran mused tiredly to himself. 'Any one of Tsunami's children should have been enough to take down a fleet of other vessels. Instead we fall, one by one.'

He, as had countless others, had hoped that the war would take a turn for the better once Jurai's formerly indifferent allies realized how threatening the Terrans truly were. Even the staunchly neutral Galaxy Police had finally thrown their formidable might behind the effort, once it had been made clear that the Terrans intended nothing short of galactic conquest. And it was all for nothing - no race was safe from the Terran menace.

What made matters even more infuriating was the sheer impossibility of it all. Examinations of the wreckage of Terran vessels from rare victories determined that they were extraordinarily low-tech. Their armaments were mostly nuclear in nature, with some support from primitive particle beam weaponry. Certainly nothing capable of penetrating even a single Light Hawk Wing, let alone the defenses of a first-, or even second- generation treeship. Their drives were barely capable of interstellar travel. Their shields were incapable of surviving more than a few seconds of heavy fire. Even a scout-class Galaxy Police cruiser should have been capable of mopping up a whole fleet of such ships. Yet, the Terran war machine marched on unabated.

"My lord, incoming transmission from the Jiro-oh!" Kensaki, Jehran's personal Guardian reported. "Enemy vessels detected, coming this way - the transmission ends abruptly."

Jehran's face hardened. The Jiro-oh had been his brother's ship. He would have vowed revenge against the Terrans for slaying him, but he had already made so many vows against them that another would have been beyond pointless. He would have his one and only chance for revenge, soon enough. He prayed to Tsunami that he would sell his life dearly, when the time came.

Placing his hands on the controls of the Ryo-tan, Jehran willed two Wings of the Light Hawk into being. The majestic beams of light spread out before the Ryo-tan, and soon formed a broad shield. Theoretically, it would take an absurd amount of power to penetrate even one Light Hawk Wing. Jehran had no intention of depending on that theory - the Terrans had disproved it often enough.

Out of the corner of his eye, Jehran noticed quivering leaves. He turned his head slightly to acknowledge the heart of the Ryo- tan. The sentient tree was frightened. Jehran found himself unable to blame it. "Please, be calm," Jehran soothed. "Soon, we will either be victorious, or join our kin in death. Whatever our fate, we must meet it with courage." Ryo-tan seemed to calm at this. Jehran wished he could so calm himself.

Suddenly, there they were. Two Terran vessels popped into existence several thousand meters away. They were little more than ugly chunks of metal, and positively dwarfed by the huge, sweeping wooden limbs that composed the Ryu-tan. Jehran wasn't fooled, however - he knew these tiny vessels were far from harmless.

"My lord, we are being hailed," Kensaki reported.

"Ignore it," Jehran barked. It had been a lesson learned early in the war, and learned hard. A ship that answered a Terran's hail fell much more quickly than one that ignored it. Recordings made of the transmissions were simply baffling, and provided no clue as to how they hastened an enemy's defeat.

"Lock on target, and open fire!" Jehran shouted.

All along the Ryo-tan, wooden cylinders extended. Ryo-tan itself extended its awareness, observing and tracking the Terran vessels. Soon, the wooden cylinders began to spit volley after volley of green light at the Terran ships. The Terrans' shields flashed as they repelled the energy beams, but it was clear that they would not hold for long. Jehran began to feel a surge of hope.

Suddenly, something very peculiar happened. Beams of light spilled forth from multiple projectors mounted on the hull of each vessel. The cascading rays intersected one another, and soon a primitive hologram flashed into existence. Above each vessel was now a brightly glowing message, printed in Galactic Standard, and accompanied by an enormous arrow. The message read, simply, "WHAT IS THAT OVER THERE?"

"Huh?" Jehran asked, turning to look over his shoulder?

"What?" Kensaki asked, turning around as well.

Ryo-tan said nothing, but its awareness directed itself to the rear.

Along with the Light Hawk Wings.

Jehran did not sell his life dearly that day.

* * * * * *

It was almost amusing, how easily nuclear warheads could scrap a spaceship made of wood. 'Mightiest ships in the galaxy indeed,' Commander Jake Shinzaki of the United Terran Empire mused. 'Oh, well. Back to business.'

"Damage report," Commander Shinzaki demanded.

"Shields are down to thirty-four percent, but are recharging quickly," came the reply.

"Tactical?"

"All other units are in position for the invasion of Jurai, sir. Twenty-five minutes until we commence."

"Excellent. All stations, prepare for battle. This is the big one - once we take Jurai, the rest will be easy. For the Glory of the Empire!"

"For the Glory of the Empire!" everyone replied enthusiastically.

With nothing left to do but wait, the Commander turned once again to introspection. The war was going quite well - better than any Terran war in his immediate recollection. Terran casualties were almost zero, while enemy losses were almost one hundred percent. Who could have imagined it would be this easy?

'It's good to be human,' he thought.

No one knew for sure. It could have been some subtle bit of racial psychology that the other intelligent beings of the galaxy lacked. Or, it could have been some strange genetic quirk that only humans possessed. No one knew for certain, but the results were plain to see: The oldest trick in the book worked every time.

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Author's Notes:

Did anyone else roll their eyes when Tenchi pulled that gag on Ryoko, way back in the first episode of the OAVs? Here's Ryoko, scourge of the universe, clever and tricky herself, and she falls for a simple gag like that. Sure, it was funny. But it got me to thinking. If an experienced warrior like her could fall for such a thing, then maybe others would, too. So, I took it to an extreme - not only are humans the only creatures in the galaxy who don't always fall for that trick, but everyone else is incapable of not falling for it. Hey, it's fantasy, right? I can do what I like. Besides, this is a spamfic - it doesn't HAVE to make sense. Anyway, comments and criticism are always welcome, but remember - this was meant to be a joke! ^_^

Bye, now...