Full of Good Ideas

As much as I enjoy the hand-to-hand combat and wall-to-wall insults featured in every Jerry Springer show, I think things could be better. They could keep score. I propose the Springer Games, in which the most rabid, confrontational, and belligerent guests from past episodes can come back to compete for cash, prizes, and much needed therapy.

Possible events include:

Lunge and Slap

Guests stand on stage at a distance of 12 feet from one another. Springer's hired muscle crouch at the foot of the stage. When the whistle blows, the opponents dart for eachother, while the crew attempts to hold them back.

Scoring:

• +2 Contact with opponent.
  
• +5 Slapping foe in the face.
  
• +5 Knocking opponent down.
  
• +3 Tearing away headset from crew member.
  
• +4 Breaking away from crew members for second lunge.
  
• +25 Hitting Jerry with a chair.

Chair Throwing

Distance means nothing on a small sound stage. If you want to compete on Springer, you need to be deadly accurate when hurling furniture. Guests brandish chairs and aim for a 5 foot diameter target at a distance of 25 feet. Participants may use any throwing style, but points will be awarded for creative or suggestive dances after a bullseye strike.

Audience Outrage

One of the hallmarks of a memorable guest on the Jerry Springer show is the ability to outrage the audience. One of the traits of a memorable Springer episode is a colorful audience. In this event we bring back all-star audience members as well as top guests.

With only one minute, the contestant must generate as much chaos among the live viewers as possible. Base score is generated from noise level, with bonuses for the number of audience members who stand and yell, etc. One can clearly picture the mayhem precipitated from statements like "Jerry, the only reason I cheated on her was that she was pregnant" or "You damn right I hit him with that plate, and when his mother stood up I slapped that <beep>, too."

Speaking of <beep>, the next event could be:

Sustained Profanity

One minute oratory. The base score is determined by the percentage of the speech that cannot be broadcast according to standards and practice. A panel of judges has the right to deduct points for incomplete sentences, though poor grammar will be tolerated.

This may not be fully appreciated by the viewers at home, but they should be accustomed to missing a good portion of the Jerry Springer show due to profanity. Besides, this should help sales of the home video, "The Springer Games: Uncut".

See. Always thinking.

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Last Updated: 12 October 1997
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