Brain Not Included

Here's a money making idea just waiting to be implemented in the late twentieth century, U.S.A.: something that rewards image and appearance over any substantial contribution; one more outsourced option in a country brimming with temporary employees and a booming service economy; and a damn good use of pop psychology and hair-care products.

Best of all, this isn't just one of my silly ideas. It's someone else's!

Cut to the chase: Have you ever been at a sales presentation, or a trade show, where there are three or four people on the "sales team" pitching the idea, but only two people talking? You know what I mean-- the senior member there to close the deal, the one who can smell blood in the water from all the way across the tank; the product expert able to answer questions about the product, lie convincingly, and appear genuninely frank when lies won't work; and then there's...the face.

The face is there to make you feel good about the company, laugh at jokes, make some insipid ones of their own, and smile the entire time. Other than looking good, using the correct amount of hair mousse, and thoughtfully nodding the head that holds the face, this poor person does nothing at the meeting.

Yet, that Face is on the company's payroll. They collect a salary, possibly earn commissions, and most importantly cost the firm too much money in the form of expensive benefits like health insurance. The Human Resources department does not tolerate that from the people who make the product. Why tolerate it from the face?

The solution is Face Temps.

Guess who doesn't have a clue what's going on?

Just imagine that you could make your company look good and have security in numbers at your next presentation at an hourly rate! Why waste time training someone who cannot tell the difference between ISO 9000 and the Atari 2600?

Why pay to fly someone to the big meeting when anybody from the local Face Temps office will do just as good a job keeping their mouth shut. Probably even better. After all, these are professionals.

If you like the idea, let me also suggest the perfect spokesperson and service demonstrator. Dirk Benedict. Yes, Dirk made a name for himself by playing a character named (what else?) Face on "The A-Team" . In fact "Face" was the nickname of the character named Templeton Peck. There could not be a better out-of-work actor to promote Face Temps.

Get ready for 'em, America!

Meanwhile, the next time you find yourself shaking hands with someone at the end of a meeting, knowing that the poor fool hasn't said a word since they gave you their business card, try not to laugh out loud. Just share a smile with your coworkers and think to yourself Face Temp!

Before I end this, I want to thank John Antholz for the idea. John and I work together at Multi-Tech Systems. Our desks are in the Purchasing area of the company (where we write code and apparently spend too much time making jokes) and we get the chance to hear a lot of sales people talk to the company buyers. John noticed that they usually bring someone along that isn't quite like the others...they just smile and nod, smile and nod.

Now that's good comedy.

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Last Updated: 22 October 1997
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