How About the Mighty Bad Ideas?
St. Paul recently undertook a large campaign, backed by Governor Carlson
and St. Paul mayor Norm Coleman, to bring an NHL expansion franchise to
the Minnesota state capital. Naturally, I have my own opinions on the
wisdom of spending public tax dollars to lure or support a sports team,
especially in a city that had to bargain to keep the NBA franchise here,
and faces a similar situation now with Major League Baseball. I'll belay
them for now.
Today, I want to show my support for the NHL in the state that supplies
many of its American born players. I do that by offering my
suggestions for team names for this new franchise.
Regional Interest
This theme always plays well for endearing a sense of ties to the
community. We know how important that is,
right?
So here goes some names
that I must have spent that last ten or fifteen seconds inventing.
- The St. Paul Gophers. Sure, the
University of
Minnesota
uses that already. But it works well for them. Besides, the fans and
writers here will constantly call for draft picks from the state
school, anyway, so why not just use the same icons?
- The Minnesota Team Formerly Known as The North Stars. See,
this ties in well with the Twin Cities, and will let the team
use yellow and purple: an open color scheme
since the LA Kings abandoned it.
Hell, in honor of Prince, they could even add glitter.
- The St. Paul Freezing Motherfuckers. I like it, and it is my
list, after all. Besides, what else depicts more regional
interest?
- The St. Paul Mallgoers. Now that's regional.
Inventors of the indoor mall, embracers of the Skyway, and builders of
The Megamall should
love this one. Besides, it has the spirit of the Freezing
Motherfuckers without the full vulgarity. Yet, I feel we can get
more regional, still.
- The Minnesota Minnesotans. Well, maybe this depicts more
regional interest. The provincial newpapers here just love to
mention that word all the time. This way, we give them some
merchandise with the term emblazened on it.
- Lastly, I thought about Minnesota Blue Ox for a moment, but
then realized no one would ever want to use that to name a
sports team.
Topical
A regional name, however, does not capture the spirit that is Pro Sports
in the late 1900s, on the dawn of a new millenium. These names do.
- The St. Paul Screw Job.
- The Minnesota Mistake.
- The St. Paul Gubernatorial Springboard. Yeah, we're
watching you, Coleman. Go for it, punk.
- The Minnesota Tax Burden.
Corporate
All those names attack the problem, without alleviating it. I say, just
sell the damn name to the highest bidder to help pay for this banal
project.
- The Minnesota Miners and Manufacturers. Or, if they prefer
it, the St. Paul 3M-inators. Anything but
Imation. That name
blows.
- The St. Paul General Millers. Or maybe the Minnesota
Frankenberries. It could happen.
- I really like the Minnesota Targets myself. It might not
be such a good idea for hockey players to skate around wearing
Bullseyes, but it will make things easier for the local
residents when the team threatens to move 15 years from now.
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Written: 24 June 1997
Update 8 January 1998
Looks like the team may well be named "The Voyagers". This is a
surprisingly good name. It is also very convenient for when the team
decides to move. In fact, it is even an excuse. "We're Voyagers. We
move from place to place. It's what we do."
Update 24 January 1998
They finally named the team. The Minnesota
Wild.
Rant Back!