Companion Piece

Lucky Charms On The World Wide Web

Lucky Charms with a Twist

I saw a commercial last month for Lucky Charms - you know, the box of miniature colored marshmallows designed to soften in milk? The good folks at General Mills package them with a handful of bland toasted oats so they can call the shit "cereal" and market it to kids. That's right, the Magically Delicious stuff!

Anyway, if you haven't been paying attention, food scientists at General Mills have made great strides in the field of marshmallow lithography, and as a result, some of the bland monochromatic shapes of the past (like Green Clovers) have been replaced with multicolored shapes (like Rainbows or Lucky's Hat, complete with a Green Clover painted on it).

So the commercial was pitching a new shape of Lucky Charms Available for a Limited Time only, Shooting Stars! Catch Them Now Before they Fly Away Forever!

The first thing I thought was, "Where's the goddamn remote control?" Then I began to wonder, "Who comes up with this shit?"

Somewhere, probably in the Twin Cities, someone has the job to come up with new shapes for Lucky Charms. Well, I can do that...

Proposed New Lucky Charm Marshmallow Shapes
	Crucifix	This cross is used as a talisman by millions of Catholics around the globe. Well, maybe not this cross, with the alien on it, but I guarantee that is what it might look like as a marshmallow shape. It easily looks chocolate-flavored as well: Cocoa Christs - you could make a whole cereal just out of these.
	Rabbit's Foot	Clearly a well known symbol of good fortune, with one clear problem: it probably won't stand out well against milk. It would however, present a challenge to the General Mills Food Technicians to fabricate the first "fuzzy marshmallow".
	Marion Barry's Head	Any publically elected official caught on tape smoking crack, who manages to get back into office is one very lucky man. And he deserves his own Marshmallow shape. At least during an election year. These could also be marketed as their own cereal, Barry-Os, complete with toasted oats shaped like letters of the alphabet. This way you could spell "Bitch Set Me Up" in your morning batch of Barry-Os.
	Crown	Good enough for the air freshener in your car? Then it's good enough for the morning breath freshener in your cereal bowl.
	Horn	For those of you not familiar with Italian-American traditions, allow me to explain this one. This horn will protect your property (usually an automobile) from the evil eye, or as the Italians call it, mal'occhio. In the bastardized Italian of South Philly, this phrase becomes "the maloikeys". If you need some real Italian to protect yourself from mal'occhio, you may wish to look here.

[Summer 1998] [Home]

Last Updated: 5 July 1998
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