Return to Dave Romm's Home PageI needed to fit this into exactly an hour, but it was impossible to tell exactly where we'd be in the script, so I wrote more. The audience laughed a lot, so it turned out to be a great deal more than was necessary. Oh well. (Much of the National Weirdness Test was later used in "Shockwave/Sound Effect", the 1997 Live Stage Show.) We continue now with #2 of the The Top 11 Lines Buzz Aldrin was going to say if he had been first on the moon. Remember, Jason isn't back yet; when he comes back the play ends, which has already happened in this time-space continuum.
1. Hi mom! We're number one!
IZZY:
I think I'm beginning to understand how these humans think.
BARDO:
Ho ho ho! We haven't even scratched the surface. Let's hyperlink!
MOUSE:
Jason put a button on for this one on every page. National Weirdness Test. Click!
SFX:
Some sort of spacy music, up briefly then down.
ANNOUNC:
Of all the things which can be tested over hypertext radio, weirdness is the most important. Are you weird? Of course you are. Who wants to be normal?
In conjunction with the local Bureau of Mental Wealth, the President's Council on Metaphysical Fitness, the Global Consortium of Odd Stuff and a guy named Shlomo, we are pleased and thankyoued to present The National Weirdness Test as compiled by Mandrake P. Mothball of the Obscure Statistics Section of the US Department of Obsolete Records.
The National Weirdness Test is a multiple choice test; mostly, anyway. It consists of a series of questions, which will be followed by a multiple choice of answers. Since the test is designed to measure weirdness and not induce tension, points the answers will follow immediately. Don't worry too much about scoring.
Question #1: Aliens have landed. They seem friendly. They offer to take you to their planet. What do you do?
A. Go with them
B. Ask them how much it costs
C. I can't, there's no one to feed my cats
D. Run away screaming
If you answered A, add 22 points. B, add 3 points, C, subtract 7 points per cat, and D, subtract 35 points.
Question #2: When you look at your hands do you
A. Admire your manicure
B. Wonder why people use the decimal system
C. Prefer to play Shoenberg on the piano
D. Think of what insulting gestures you can make
Subtract 8 yellow points for A, subtract 21 blue points for D. If you answered B, add the number of the counting system you would prefer. If you answered C, add 3 measures in 7/19 time.
Question #3: When in the course of human events, are you more likely to:
A. Take an incomplete.
B. Make an extra copy.
C. Build a better mouse.
D. RTFM; that is, read the manual
If you answered A, subtract 22, B, subtract 2, If you answered C, add five and if you chose D: zero
Question #4: Have you ever fallen asleep in the middle of a dream?
A. Yes
B. No
C. I'm not sure, I was asleep at the time
D. I'm dreaming now, I'll tell you tonight when I fall asleep
If you answered D add 35 points, C add 4 points, A add 12 points, and B, 'no', subtract 1 point.
Question #5: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
A. Mu
B. (sound effect)
C. (applause)
D. The willows are in bloom in the spring
If you answered A, add 71 points, B, add 1 point, C, subtract 5 points but nice try, D, add 17 points, and if you refused to answer the question , subtract 47 points.
Question #6: Are you an imaginary friend?
A. Yes
B. No
If you answered Yes, add 17 points, but don't tell mom. If you answered No, subtract 5 points. If you tried to answer but no one heard you except your special friend, add 37 points.
Question #7: Are you concerened that Clinton's National Health Plan does not cover...
A. House plants
B. Pets
C. Your CD collection
D. Your imaginary friend
E. Rush Limbaugh
If you answered A or B add 12 points. If you were concerned about your imaginary friend, add 17 points. If you were concerned about inanimate objects like CDs or Rush Limbaugh, subtract 43 points. However, add 12 points to your blue score if Rush Limbaugh IS your imaginary friend.
Question #8: If you knew Suzie, like I know Suzie,
A. Oh, oh, oh what a gal.
B. With a red dress on.
C. We gotta go now.
D. And a kid will eat ivy too, wouldn't you?
Subtract 9 points for A, add 17 points for answers B and C, add 33 points for D,. Add an extra 54 points apiece if you can recite all the lyrics to the songs of C and D. Subtract 18 points if the only one you recognized was B.
Question #9: After exploring Kama Sutra positions 27 through 32 inclusive, do you,
A. Smoke
B. Burst into flames
C. Feed the cat
D. Get another book.
Subtract 47 points for smoking; subtract 35 points for bursting into flame unless you enjoy it, in which case add 3 points; subtract 5 points per cat, and add 47 points if your next book has a lot of statistics.
Question #10: Your favorite metal is:
A. Iron
B. Uranium
C. Adobe
D. Stryper
E. Crystal Pepsi
Subtract 31 points for A, subtract 14 points for B, add 24 points for C, add 22 red points for D, and no points are awarded at all for E. If you came up with any other answer, add 23 blue points.
Question #12: In the next life you will be:
A. On your own.
B. A lower life form, such as an attourney.
C. Done with this plane of existence.
D. Well done, with mushrooms.
The correct answer is A. But is was really a trick question. None of the answers are sufficiently weird, so subtract 20 points.
Question #13: When given an opportunity to increase your personal weirdness, would you:
A. Almost learn to play the tuba.
B. Not try hard enough.
C.
D. Add 12 points.
If you answered D, then add 12 points. If you chose C, add 20 points. A or B, subtract 20.
Question #43: Is it farther to California, or by bus?
A. New Orleans or the summer.
B. Tomato, Potato, Eggplant.
C. No soap, radio.
D. I'm afraid knot.
Too weird, even for us. Add 15 points whatever your answer.
Question #15: Which of the following are the two universal elements of the universe:
A. Hydrogen
B. Aluminum
C. Cranium
D. Stupidity
A and D is the correct answer. If you made this obvious answer, subtract 13 points. If you chose anything with B in it, subtract 18. If you chose anything including C, add 6 points. If you mentioned an old Sherlock Holmes joke, add 24 points.
Question #16: If a situation in your life requires a difficult moral decision, will you:
A. Laugh maniacally.
B. Look at the cheat sheet attached to your wrist.
C. Try to imagine what Captain Kirk would have done.
D. Wait for direction.
If you answered A and meant to laugh in public, add 20; laugh in private, subtract 12. B, -8, C, +10; D, your directions are to add 5 points.
Scoring:
In general, positive scores mean you're more weird than not, and negative scores mean exactly the opposite. Just add up all your points. Don't worry about the colors; they are extremely significant but we're color blind. Your raw score can be interpreted as follows:
If you scored more than a million points: Congratulations! It is not possible to have that many points in this test, and therefore you cheated.
If you scored more than 1000 points or are a member of Fresh Air Radio, congratulations! You are really weird. Since the scores carry over, you might even be weird in your next life.
If you scored an even number between 500 and 999, you are weird in a left-handed way.
If you scored an odd number between 500 and 999, you are weird in a left-brained way.
If you scored 789.4, congratulations! You have matched the score of one of our panalists.
If you scored between 1 and 499, you are proto-weird, and should really solidify your karma by making up National Weirdness Text questions.
If you scored exactly 127.5, you may already be weird! Call in now to find out!
If you scored exactly 0, congratulations! That shows you are in perfect harmony with something.
If you have a negative score, you should listen to Shockwave more faithfully. At least twice a week.
If you scored negative a million or less, duck!
If your score was mu, then grok.
Thank you for taking the National Weirdness Test. We hope that it has helped in your quest for personal understanding and the perfect sexual experience. We know it has for us.
Remember, the proper response to this question:
"You know, you're weird."
"Thank you, you're not so normal yourself."
Back to the You're Riding The Shockwave Intro Page
Return to Dave Romm's Home Page
Find out how to get the performance of this play on a Shockwave Distribution Tape.
Read the Shockwave FAQ