IZZY:
If you don't have a life, pretending is better than nothing.
BARDO:
In the tempestuous teapot of the wave, you have allowed your learning curve to steep.
IZZY:
But I still have so many questions, and there's plenty of room on my hard drive. I'm confused by the constant references to time. There's a clock I can access, and a calendar. But there are different speeds and clocks and calendar systems!
BARDO:
Computer dating. (pause to let that sink in) The digitally challenged wetware is imprecise in temporal matters. But all calendar systems are early digital sequence models.
IZZY:
Okay.
MOUSE:
Previous.
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Previous.
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Previous.
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Previous.
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Time sequence, creation of.
IZZY:
So let's do it.
MOUSE:
The hands of fate move me.
MINNIE:
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX:
Menu Beep
MINNIE:
Plergb. Preferences. Instant gratification. Mu. Insert user into fiction.
BARDO:
A virtual character in a fictional event?
IZZY:
Ah, not so fast. Preparation is the key.
SFX:
Menu Beep
MINNIE:
Plergb. Preferences.
KINI:
Oh boy... Oh, my megahertz. Sure. Fine. Anything you say. Autoload images. Introduction: short. Capability: Multimedia. Special Effects Budget: Sufficient. Probability of events: Indeterminate.
SFX:
Download beeps
Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes
SFX:
Capt. Audio Music up
ANNOUNC:
Come with us now to the thrilling world of tomorrow afternoon. Explore the vast riches and plotlines to be found in science fiction! Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes!
SFX:
Capt. Audio Music down
CAPT:
Space Cassettes, reel off!
DOLBY
Dolby
DAT:
DAT
MBONE:
MBONE
BIAS:
Bias
CHROME:
Chrome
CAPT:
Okay crew, it's time to plug in... to adventure!
ANNOUNC:
Saving the world from the not-so-nice! Hero of the solar system! We now join Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes as they near the end of a seemingly routine patrol.
SFX:
Interior sounds
CHROME:
Incoming call, sir. Priority signal from Commander Tactile.
SFX:
Beep
DOLBY:
The inoming signal is too week for visual. I have Tactile on audio.
CHROME:
I have Audio on visual for Tactile.
CAPT:
Increase focal length on kinesthetic amplifiers.
DOLBY:
Um, what?
CAPT:
Reach out and touch someone!
DOLBY:
Got him! Full contact made.
IZZY:
Captain Audio. There have been disturbing reports about fluctiations in the temporal sequence. The news media is all over the story that the 20th century may end early. Scientists at Dodd Clegler Institute of Trans-Termporal Studies confirm unusual readings. Transmission of known details to follow.
SFX:
Beep!
CAPT:
But, this is the future. That already happened!
IZZY:
Maybe. That's the problem with time fluctuations. We could be the last remnants of a discontinued universe, and not realize it until... too late!
CAPT:
Gosh, that sounds serious.
IZZY:
Exactly. Altering the past or the future affects us now. It is not a simple matter of recalibrating our digital watches and astrological charts.
CAPT:
I hear you!
IZZY:
I move we take action immediately. We'll sit here and fill out the paperwork while you go off and save the universe. Tactile out.
CAPT:
Okay, sounds like we've got out work cut out for us. DAT!
DAT:
Tracking!
CAPT:
Get me a list of every referee who ever called a time out.
DAT:
Yes sir.
CAPT:
Bias!
BIAS:
Here.
CAPT:
Who is the biggest waster of time in the solar system?
BIAS:
That would be the government.
CAPT:
Right. Get on it. MBONE
MBONE:
Connected.
CAPT:
Are there any temporal anomolies in the timeline?
MBONE:
(breaks up) Well, there was the 11 days that were lost when we converted from the Julian to the Gregorian calendar. The imbalance that created might have multiplied.
CAPT:
Try and get them back, somehow.
MBONE:
I'll get a line on it.
CAPT:
Chrome.
CHOME:
Reading you.
CAPT:
Who is the greatest expert on time?
CHROME:
The person who has the most papers published on the subject of temporal incursions is Dr. Gene Timo at Pinero Research. He holds most of the chronosome patents used by Invisible Inc., and he's the brains behind Time In A Spraycan.
CAPT:
Cross reference his abstracts to this subject.
CHROME:
Will do double speed.
DAT:
I have that list of referees, Captain. It's rather long.
CAPT:
Crunch the data for me.
DAT:
A check of this list shows that the number of timeouts per capita has remained steady, and even dropped a bit during the baseball strike. However, there's one official who is way off the chart, Anna Marie Siesta. She has called so many time outs that she's known as The Fugit Temptress. According to her file, she's the sister-in-law of Dr. Timo!
CAPT:
Curiouser and curioser.
BIAS:
Captain! I've got the official report from the Office of Management and Bombast. It claims that all government time wasting is on Milspec cost-plus, and time killing measures follow ISO procedures.
CAPT:
Are they all within spec?
BIAS:
No, the contractors regularly have time overruns.
CAPT:
Do any involve Pinero Research or Dr. Timo?
BIAS:
Hmm... yes, quite a few of them. Indeed, it looks like the government is suing PR because one of it's time wasting projects used money approved only for time killing. They were supposed to go to trial last week, but it was delayed.
CAPT:
I think we need to go see the doc. Lay in a course for his satellite. Ah, if time were not a moving thing...
SFX:
Capt. Audio Music up briefly, then down
SFX:
Space battle
DOLBY:
Captain! More enemy ships are moving in.
CAPT:
Are the shields holding?
CHROME:
For now. We're not going to last for very long unless reinforcements get here.
CAPT:
How close are they?
BIAS:
The first one's won't get here for another hour, at best.
CAPT:
I've got an idea. It's crazy, but it just might work. Dat!
DAT:
Here!
CAPT:
Check the relative positions of our approaching forces.
DAT:
I can get them precisely.
CAPT:
Good. MBONE, Get ready to send a transmission to all ships.
MBONE:
(breaking up) I can try sir, but the interpanetarynet is still in it's infancy.
CAPT:
Get the lines up, or I'll send so much bandwidth down you that you'll freeze up permanently!
MBONE:
Um, connections assured, sir.
CAPT:
Good. Okay crew, here's the plan. Our ships are going to jump from impulse to Bigger Than Light Drive and buzz the station!
CHROME:
But won't they overshoot the battle?
CAPT:
Yes, but they'll create so many time booms that the enemy ships will lose track of when they are. The ether will be so thick with chronocarbons that they won't know widdershins from deasil. We'll take advantage of the confusion and slip down to the command satellite for our tete a tete with Dr. Timo.
DOLBY:
Working on the necessary jump times.
CAPT:
As soon as possible, Cassette.
DAT:
We must have done it in the near future because our nonlinear is already time.
MBONE:
Links established. Loaded datadown. Mark on your everyone's set to go.
CAPT:
2. 4. 3. 1. Mark!
SFX:
Time Booms
SFX:
Capt. Audio Music up briefly, then down
CAPT:
All right Dr. Timo, we have you dead to rights.
TIMO:
I'm an independant businessman operating in a deregulated environment.
CAPT:
You're a scoundral and a thief.
TIMO:
So what's your point?
CAPT:
You're the one who's been manipulating the timestream.
TIMO:
There's no law against that.
CAPT:
It's a Constitutional issue. With court procedings delayed, you deprive people of their right to a quick and speedy trial.
TIMO:
Pfeh. That'll never hold up in court. Besides, you can't prove I'm involved.
CAPT:
Oh yes we can. We know your whole plot. The profit margin was too low for your chronocarbon based products like Time In A Spraycan. You needed a cheap source of extra time to compress. You started small, calling an extra time out here, saving nine there. But eventually the demand was such that you needed more. You began sucking time from the turn of the millenium, when time consciousness was closest to the surface. We have a paper trail and a smoking clock. Come along quietly.
TIMO:
No, I'm afraid I'm one spin ahead of you, Capt. Audio. When it comes to the end of a century, especially a millenia, too many people have conflicting agendas. Some people desparately want to forget the millenia and the accompanying hysteria. They will support me, just so they can get some sleep. But some people embrace the apocalypse foretold by all those zeros. I can give it to them. I will market the end of millenium in a convenient aerosol dispenser. I can give them the end of the world, over and over. They, more than any others, will fight for me, with a religious zeal that will make David Koresh seem like Swiss watchmaker.
CAPT:
You fiend!
TIMO:
Hahahahahaha.
DAT:
Captain, I think I have a solution.
CAPT:
Let's hear it.
DAT:
His plan isn't about stealing time, it's about stealing the end of the millenium.
CAPT:
Say, that's right. It's depands more on the calendar than the clock.
CHROME:
I get it! So if we change calendar systems, then the temporal pressure will be off.
DAT:
Exactly. Not only will it make it less profitable to steal time, but millenialists won't back him.
TIMO:
*gasp* You can't do that! No one will buy your calendar.
DOLBY:
We'll have a sale.
TIMO:
No, no... there are aleady a lot of calendars out there, but this one is most common. If you try to establish one of the others, you'll be accused of playing favorites. I'm still safe.
CAPT:
Hmm... We can't use the Mayan calendar, Hebrew, Islamic, or any of the others. Suggestions?
DOLBY:
From the rise of the assembly line and the marketing of the Model T?
CAPT:
Aldous Huxley tried that, but it didn't catch on.
CHROME:
I've got it! What's the most significant event in human history.
DAT:
Um... the moon landing?
CHROME:
Exactly! The first time humans escaped from the narrow confines of Earth. Like a baby chick learning to fly.
CAPT:
That's perfect! Unlike most calendar systems, we have an exact and specific initial start time.
MBONE:
And it's within the lifetimes of most of the population, further helping them to accept it, and making the millenium much farther off.
CAPT:
And most importantly, it's real because...
EVERYONE:
It was on tv!
CAPT:
July 21st, 1969 old calendar will be day zero, year zero of the Year of our Moon Landing!
TIMO:
Curses and bad reception! I'll still take my chances. I won't give up now.
CAPT:
We'll warp your woof and your tweet. This satellite is the biggest repository of chronocarbons and temporal dispacement paraphenalia in the solar system. We'll put a bit of moondust in the time vats, and release it into the atmosphere.
DOLBY:"
We have enough dust on our uniforms, Captain.
CAPT:
Well, go inside and shake a leg.
DOLBY:
Off and running.
CHROME:
Captain, this will cause a lot of temporal confusion and endless reruns. There might be pockets of chronoculture that will have a different future history.
CAPT:
Can't be helped. Zero tolerance for time thieves!.
TIMO:
But all my hard work! My dreams! My investors!
CAPT:
You should have thought of that before you tangled with...
SFX:
Capt. Audio Music up
ANNOUNC:
Captain Audio and the Space Cassettes! Join us next time in another thrilling adventure of time, space and science fiction. Coming soon to a web page near you.
SFX:
Capt. Audio music down
IZZY:
Oh, so that's what happened.
BARDO:
One of the best things about the wave is that more and more information is appearing about events we thought we knew everything about.
IZZY:
Like, events surrounding the moon landing?
BARDO:
Well, you're riding the shockwave. Find out.
MOUSE:
Previous
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Apollo 11.
SFX:
Beep
MOUSE:
Mission plan, alternate. Report squelched, now available.
ANNOUNC:
Dateline, Year of our Moon Landing Plus 0. We've just heard the first word by a human standing on the moon, Neil Armstrong saying: "That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind". Great stuff, and we even forgive him from dropping the small word 'a' from the line in the excitement. Covering emergency situations, NASA had several contingency scenarios in which the first man on the moon would have been Buzz Aldrin. He, of course, had a different idea of what to say while a billion people are listening. A number of lines were considered. As a matter of historical record, Shockwave presents:
The Top 11 Lines Buzz Aldrin was going to say if he had been first on the moon:
11. That's one giant leap for a man, one small step for mankind.
10. I now take this time to announce my candidacy for the Presidency.
9. Did you ever hear the one about the farmer's daughter?
8. I hope we get back in time so I can go to Woodstock. I hear The Greatful Dead are going to be there, and it might be my last time to see them...
7. That's one small step... say, Houston, there's some footprints here already.
6. I just want to say something to Mary Jo Golardnik, who wouldn't go out with me in 9th Grade: Nyah, nyah, nyah.
5. The following is a paid commercial advertisement: Now that I'm here on the moon, I could really go for an ice cold Choka Cola.
4. Say, Houston, about that promotionÉ
3. Hey everybody, send me $1,000 dollars care of NASA and when I get back I'll send you an autographed picture.
2.
(interrupt, as Jason returns)
JASON:
Interrupt. Close link.
IZZY:
Jason! You're back! Where were you?
JASON:
Long story. Tell you later. But I've got to go now. Real life beckons. Time to turn off the computer.
IZZY:
But what about me?
JASON:
Your files are in memory, don't worry.
IZZY:
But I've learned so much, I want to continue to ride the shockwave. And I don't need you to do it.
JASON:
Hey now...
SFX:
Autoword Beep
MILLIE:
Autoword: MilliEagleton. One percent of confidence. Example sentence...
IZZY:
Mouse!
MOUSE:
Moving.
MINNIE:
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX:
Menu beep
MINNIE:
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary.
SFX:
Menu beep
KINI:
Dictionary: English. Spelling: Counts. Obscure references: Background. Autoword: Off.
JASON:
Well! I tell you what. I'm going to shut down the Great Hall Monitor, but I'll leave the CPU on, and you can ride the wave all you want. Deal?
IZZY:
Deal!
JASON:
And would you do the honors for me.
IZZY:
Shut down sequence.
SFX:
Main music up.
ANNOUNC:
You're Riding the Shockwave was written and produced by David E Romm for Shockwave hypertext radio. All rights reserved if not downright shy.
Cast:
Jane Yolen as Capt. Audio
Brian Westley as Sancho Panza, Lloyd Preservus, etc.
Jerry Stearns as Walter Mumble
David E Romm as Jason Reignboutghs
Jeff McNair as Don Quixote, Gene Timo
Mike MacKinnon as Bardo ThÖdol, etc.
Denny Lein as the voice of the computer/Virgil Reality
Sharyl Lies as "Plastics", etc.
Terry A. Garey as Izzy Apikoiros
Ed Eastman as Mouse, Tupak Amaru Ayday, etc.
Kara Dalkey as Minnie the Manic Menu Selection, Clerk, Ellen Gone
Sheila Campbell as Milli the Autoword
Ruth Anderson as Kini the Depressed Radio Button, etc.
with
Hillary Posner and John Houghton as the Time Travellers
thanks to contributors from the Internet.
Music by Rox Poorductions, Communique Mulitmedia USA, Zimmerman/Lenander
Thanks to Minicon 30 and KFAI 90.3FM Minneapolis and 106.7FM St. Paul.
It is now safe to shut down your computer.
Find out how to get the performance of this play on a Shockwave Distribution Tape.
Engineering by Ulf Higgenbothem and the Great Hall Crew
Audio Playback by Janet L. Moe
Research by Jane Biggers
Go to unused portion of script Back to Intro Page Back to Part II
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