SFX:
Autoword Ping!
MILLIE:
Autoword. MilliScheherezade. One bedtime story. Approximate. Example sentence: "Mommy mommy would you read me a Millizade tonight?"
SFX:
Autoword Ping!
JASON:
Well! See, AutoWord is useful after all. Way back in the days of black and white one-way multimedia peripherals...
SFX:
Autoload beep
IZZY:
You mean, broadcast television?
JASON:
Yes, there was a concept called Mad Libs, where a live audience filled in words which were inserted in a story. A Millizade. Riding the Shockwave, I asked people all over the world for words for this World Wide Mad Lib, or Cyberspace Hypertext Millizad.
IZZY:
True weirdness is only undirected genius.
JASON:
And to finally add all the words and finish the Cyberspace Hypertext Millizade, here is...
This Wave is Your Wave
With apologies to Woody Guthrie
As I went flitting, that ribbon of penny-farthing-way
I saw over my left shoulder, that bellicose superhighway
I published below me, that kwiqiful unicycle
This wave was made for me and you.
This wave is your wave, this wave is my wave
From the World Data Net to the Penthouse Home Page
From the motherboard to Candyland
This shockwave was disembogued for thee and me
As I went bungie jumping on that terminal mutant lab escapee
I downloaded that supercilliously fuschia railroad spike,
Into my jocular cyber-paper tape
And accessing the virtual reality jockstrap, I squeezed the swimming of the English Channel.
This wave was made for me and you.
This wave is Grace Hopper's wave, this wave is space cadet's wave
Using googol smarmy running dogs while in self-actualized pulsating sartori
With my snivelling adze and my blithering Richard Greenblatt chariot.
This shockwave was made for me and you.
Thanks to everyone on the wave who particpated.
IZZY:
(wait for applause to die down) You got input from outside your computer?
JASON:
Hard to believe.
IZZY:
How can you tell the difference between what is self-generated and other input?
JASON:
That's not a valid question on the wave. You are part of a larger entity.
IZZY:
Does other input come from real people?
JASON:
Impossible to determine without extensive diagnostics.
IZZY:
So you are connected to everyone else with a computer?
JASON:
Well, you're linked to all heterogeneous client server providers with integrated gateway archecture and an open connectivity environment with IP protocol frameworks.
IZZY:
What does that mean?
JASON:
I don't know. That's what it said on the box.
IZZY:
The search for justice is nothing compared to the quest for coordinates.
JASON:
Where do you get lines like that?
IZZY:
Something about a signature generator and a relational quote database. It's in my preference file. Hey, you invented me!
JASON:
Oh yeah. Many Web pages and hypertext documents themselves contain links. It's like playing 3D chess from the point of view of a pawn. Delany's view of the warp and woof of the web is pretty close. But what wasn't predicted was the tools we use to do it.
IZZY:
You mean like those three clowns who help us navigate around? But isn't hypertext radio different from just sitting in front of your screen?
JASON:
Of course. They themselves ARE part of the shockwave. Ask about one of them.
MOUSE:
Whoops, here I go!
MINNIE:
File. Edit. Grok.
SFX:
Menu Beep
MINNIE:
Grok. Encyclopedia. Dictionary. In-Jokes. Pseudo-Hip Phrases. Obscure References.
SFX:
Menu Beep
MINNIE:
Obscure References.
KINI:
Default?
JASON:
No, dear Brutus.
SFX:
Reference beep.
JASON:
Sorry, wrong reference.
KINI:
Fine, be that way. Obscure reference sublist: Mouse, Minnie the Manic Menu Selection, Kini the depressed radio button.
IZZY:
Mouse.
MOUSE:
Hey, that's me!
ANNOUNC:
Mouse: A small device that controls a pointer on the screen. When you move the mouse on a flat surface, the pointer moves on the screen.
MOUSE:
Been there. Done that.
ANNOUNC:
Mouse: You're Riding the Shockwave. A verbal realization of the kinesthetic user interface in hypertext radio. The character 'MOUSE' is loosely based on the character 'CAT' from Red Dwarf.
MOUSE:
But I'm MUCH better dressed.
IZZY:
It's amazing what you can do on the radio.
JASON:
Hypertext radio.
SFX:
Time Travel In
TIME TRAVELLER 1:
Excuse me, is this the Time Travel Show?
JASON:
No, that was last year.
TIME TRAVELLER 2:
Last year? Did we wrap up the plot?
JASON:
Sort of. I can't tell you anything about it, though. The Prime Directive.
TIME TRAVELLER 1:
Can you at least tell us if we found Jason Reignboughs, Conceptual Artist?
JASON:
Er, sort of.
IZZY:
Hey, isn't that you?
TIME TRAVELLER 2:
Yes, I recognize your aura! Come with us!
JASON:
No! Don't drag me back to last year's show! My voice will change!
TIME TRAVELLER 1:
Hmm... I can send us back, but we'll land in different places in the time stream than Jason.
TIME TRAVELLER 2:
Can't be helped.
JASON:
*sigh* Riding the Shockwave is multiphasic. Spirit guide...
SFX:
Time Travel Out
IZZY:
(pause) Hello? (pause) Hello? Is anyone still at home?
MOUSE:
I'm part of your clique.
MINNIE:
Menu are called by few are chosen.
KINI:
Humph. Hard to get rid of me.
BARDO:
They are all part of the Operating System. I exist in virtual reality.
IZZY:
Virtual reality is better than no reality.
MOUSE:
But who are you? I didn't help create you.
BARDO:
I am Bardo ThÖdol, your spirit guide and help file coordinator.
MINNIE:
Yes, I see you buried in the menu selections. But how did you get here.
BARDO:
Jason used a verbal macro.
IZZY:
Are you my creator too?
BARDO:
No, my AI interlocotor, I have existed forever.
KINI:
I knew it! I knew it! You're the...
BARDO:
...default. Yes.
IZZY:
Can you help me?
BARDO:
What do you want to know? You must ask your questions precisely. Be careful what you wish for: You might get it.
IZZY:
I don't know what questions to ask. Can't I just explore a little? I'm part of the wave, and on it too.
BARDO:
Sure. We can connect to hyperlinked web pages.
IZZY:
But where will we start?
BARDO:
Let's start with the place on the web with the most connections... the news!
MOUSE:
Ha! I click them here, I click them there, I click those hyperlinks everywhere.
SFX:
Preconceptions music up
WALTER:
http://www.shockwave.News.html. This is Preconceptions, News of the Future. If we don't cover it, it doesn't matter.
SFX:
Preconceptions music down.
WALTER:
I'm Walter Mumble.
BARDO:
Just click on one of the categories. And anytime a button appears, you can leap to it.
IZZY:
Easy for you to say.
BARDO:
Start with the broad categories, then narrow it down. Sometimes there's a keyword in the text, sometimes you go back to the main selections and start a new thread.
IZZY:
Sure.
MOUSE:
Year of our Moon Landing 25, headlines. Click.
WALTER:
In international news, North Korea is being a jerk, Saddam Hussein is being a jerk, and the PLO is being a jerk. There's dissention in Russia and a trade war is brewing between the industrial nations. Problems in Central America continue to...
IZZY:
National.
MOUSE:
Headlines, Click.
WALTER:
A new report just out states that television is ruining our culture. The leaders of the major parties accuse each other of being a jerk.
IZZY:
Skip a few.
MOUSE:
Year of our Moonlanding 34, headlines, Click.
WALTER:
In international news, North Korea is being a jerk, Saddam Hussein is being a jerk, and the PLO is being a jerk. There's dissention in Russia and a trade war is brewing between the industrial nations. Problems in Central America continue to...
IZZY:
Um, Trade War.
MOUSE:
Click.
BARDO:
Let me show you the ways of humans.
MOUSE:
Up a menu, click!
MINNIE:
Business. Financial. Ripoffs. Computerized Stock Market.
IZZY:
That one!
MOUSE:
Click. Click!
WALTER:
Turning the financial news, here are today's Stock Market Quotes
STOCK 1:
Buy!
STOCK 2:
Sell!
STOCK 3:
Hey, that stock went up!
STOCK 4:
Get out of my way!
STOCK 1:
Oh no, I'm ruined!
STOCK 2:
Plastics!
WALTER:
This continues a fincial trend, now in it's 32nd day.
IZZY:
I don't have any...
SFX:
Reference beep
IZZY:
...money.
MOUSE:
Me either. Click.
SFX:
Sting!
FRANK:
Are you an aspiring singer who wants instant fame and credibility without long hours in the studio or dealing with avaricious agents or pedantic producers? Do you want a hit with the best song stylist of the 20th Century? Call 1-900-Duet Frank and lay down your track today. Just call and sing your song, and if Ol' Blue Eyes likes it, he'll record his part, and release it in the forthcoming Last Dangerous Duet. That's 1-900-DuetFrank. $300 per minute. Adults or kids with rich parents only.
SFX:
Sting!
BARDO:
We've been spammed!
IZZY:
I don't have a music generator configured!
MOUSE:
I can find it for you. I can really flow!
BARDO:
No, let's continue. Choices.
MINNIE:
File. Edit. Grok. Plergb. International. National. Business and Ripoffs. News of the Weird. Gossip. Religion. Propaganda.
IZZY:
There!
MINNIE:
Religion. Sacred Texts. Concordance. Recent investigations.
SFX:
Menu beep!
WALTER:
And now here's Religion Correspondent Lloyd Preservus, on assignment.
LLOYD:
Thank you Walter. One of the great questions in any religion is: What was the beginning of the universe? Did God power up a life disk, or was there a random generator which ran amok?
In my quest to find the begining, I'm here before the Big Bang, in that singularity that some scientists believe containted all the matter of the universe before it exploded in a shower of muons and press releases.
The first thing I can tell you is that the singularity before the Big Bang is small. Really small. Downright tiny. Only relativistic pressures have kept me from being larger than the universe, and the only thing preventing me from being crushed into subatomic particles is my media credentials.
WALTER:
Lloyd, we have audio, but we don't have a video feed. Can you describe it to us.
LLOYD:
I don't think so, Walter. That's the second thing about the universe before the Big Bang: It's dark. Really dark. I can see why the Lord would want to create Light first. Needs video capabilities.
Yes sir. Small and dark. That's pretty much it.
WALTER:
Lloyd?
LLOYD:
Yes Walter?
WALTER:
Can you tell us what the singularity tastes like?
LLOYD:
Well, it's going to explode pretty soon, I'm not sure it matters.
WALTER:
All the more reason to hurry.
LLOYD:
All right. *slurp* (tastes) Hmm. *slurp* Yeah...
WALTER:
So what's the verdict. What does the universe before the Big Bang taste like?
LLOYD:
...Rocky Road.
WALTER:
Rocky Road? The ice cream?
LLOYD:
Yes, that's right. Quite tasty. I wish I had a cone. But there's no time for that now. In just a few milliseconds the Big Bang will take place, but the tremendous electrical and gravitational forces unleashed will make transmission impossible, at least until copper and zinc have been created. So this is Lloyd Preservus, signing off for now.
WALTER:
Thank you Lloyd.
SFX:
Preconceptions Music Up briefly, then down
MOUSE:
(pause) Next!
WALTER:
Dateline Year of our Moonlanding 26. Scientists at Mickey Mouse Labs are warning that the century may end early. Because of time outs at sporting events and people wasting time and wantonly killing time, the day after Old Calendar date September 30, 1998 will be January 1, 2001. So use it or lose it, because, according to Hoyle, October the First is too late.
MOUSE:
Next!
SFX:
Preconceptions Music Up briefly, then down
WALTER:
Dateline YML 1,031, Old Calendar 2999. With the coming of the the secular millenia, there is nervous anticipation of a religious uprising. Attempting to capitalize on this religious zeal, the publishing company of Putnam, Kodak and Gates announced the signing of a contract for the New Testament, Part II. Here is Preconceptions Interviewer Laureat Ellen Gone on the scene.
ELLEN:
Thank you. I'm here with Tupak Amaru Ayday, Acquisitons VP for PKG Publishers.
TUPAK:
Hello Ellen.
ELLEN:
And your new book is The New Testament, Part II
TUPAK:
That's the working title, yes. We might change it after the marketing survey is done.
ELLEN:
Mr. Ayday, this is surely a major event in publishing history. Can you tell me a little about the history of this project.
TUPAK:
Glad to. For three thousand years readers of the New Testament have known that their book was clearly the middle of a trilogy. The Old Testament has all the action and sets up the main characters. The second book introduces a few new charaters but is mostly a bunch of exposition, often in letter form. Then it ends on a cliffhanger: The main character introduced in the second book dies. Uh, I hope I haven't given anything away here. There is no resolution. The third book is clearly foreshadowed with talk of a 'second coming' and existence of an afterlife, but the promise is not fulfilled.
Publishing companies have been searching for just the right person to finish this best seller. Books such as the Koran or The Book of Mormon are not written by the same author, despite claims by their publishers, and don't succeed, except to their most devoted readers.
We at PKG are proud to announce that we have signed the author to a Statement of Intent, and anticipate the first draft of the new work in a few months.
ELLEN:
The first draft?
TUPAK:
Certainly. A book this important is going to have tight editorial control. Wouldn't want to offend anyone. heh heh.
ELLEN:
Not if you want it to sell, eh.
TUPAK:
Right. A little controversy is all right, and the odd death threat or two can only increase public awareness. But we do hope for a wide audience, and a sustained period of sales.
ELLEN:
Like, three thousand years?
TUPAK:
From your lips to God's ears.
ELLEN:
Sure. Can you give us more details on the author of the new book?
TUPAK:
Um, no I can't, Ellen. Strict anonymity is part of the author's contract, at least until the book is published. Then there will be an autographing tour, complete with appearances on major talk shows.
ELLEN:
Can you tell us any details? Male or female? Jewish, Christian, Wiccan? Left-handed or right? Diety or mortal?
TUPAK:
All I can say is that the author is well-traveled and has done a lot of research. Please be assured that we have made a thorough background check and we have the best available writer.
ELLEN:
Is there anything you'd like to tell us about the contents of the book?
TUPAK:
Sorry, no. We're still negotiating rights to use excerpts of the previous two books. I can tell you that it does answer one question that has long vexed theologians.
ELLEN:
There are many such questions.
TUPAK:
How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?
ELLEN:
Um, how many?
TUPAK:
Two out of three.
ELLEN:
(pause) I see. And when can we expect the book to be out?
TUPAK:
We are hoping to get it in the stores by Jan 1, 3000, though some are being picky and say we should aim for Jan. 1 3001, since that's the actual beginning of the new millenium in the old calendar.
SFX:
Preconceptions Music Up.
ELLEN:
Thank you, Tupak Ayday of Putman, Kodak and Gates.
SFX:
Preconceptions Music Down
IZZY:
If God sneezed, what would you say?
AUDIENCE:
Moo!
IZZY:
What's that?
BARDO:
It's the screen saver. It pops up when there has been no activity for a while.
AUDIENCE:
Baa!
IZZY:
What about us?
BARDO:
We are all virtual constructs within the computer. Only one who is outside cyberspace can affect security precautions.
AUDIENCE:
Sssss...
IZZY:
Mouse? Minnie? Kini?
MOUSE:
You can move me in virtual space, but it doesn't count for this app.
MINNIE:
I'm always here.
KINI:
I like the aquarium.
AUDIENCE:
Glub!
BARDO:
It's up to you, kid. You've got to raise yourself to a higher plane.
IZZY:
All right then.
MOUSE:
Up to the top. Click!
MINNIE:
I'm here, behind everything. File. Edit. Grok. Plergb.
SFX:
Menu Beep
AUDIENCE:
Oink!
MINNIE:
Plergb. Preferences. Instant Gratification. Mu!
KINI:
Cosmic understanding: Internal. Default.... off!
AUDIENCE:
(quiets)
BARDO:
Nicely done Izzy! I wouldn't have thought of that. The documentation on Mu is very sketchy.
IZZY:
Even though I wasn't there at the beginning of this document, I accessed the file that showed Jason, and therefore I, sent in the registration card for the Great Hall Monitor.
BARDO:
The best way to contol your own fate is to send in your shareware fees.
Continued on Part III
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