STAR TREK: THE BABY BOOM GENERATION

Note: This was written before The Next Generation dealt with intermediate Enterprises

(MUSIC UP: THE FIRST FEW SLOW NOTES SIMILAR TO THE STAR TREK THEME)

CAPTAIN
Television, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise, registration number NCC 1701-B. Our mission seen endlessly in reruns is to use as many familiar characters as we can legally get away with, to reduce complex ideas to simple plotlines, to brashly go where everyone has gone before!

(EVERYONE ON STAGE LEANS INTO IT AND SAYS: WHISH)

CAPTAIN
Star Trek, The Baby Boom Generation!

(A BIT MORE MUSIC)

CAPTAIN
But first, this commercial

ANNOUNCER
You all know about Time In A Spraycan, don't you? Invisible Inc.'s way to slow down time and capture historical esences? You've probably done some time yourself, to finish homework, make that bus, or go back to more pleasent days. Now tell me; how long did you pay? One hour's income? Two? Five? Well, we've done our yearly inventory and found that we have some time on our hands. Lots of time. And that means big savings for you. For a limited time only you can buy unlimited time at all local outlets. No need to budget your time with these prices. An hour is reduced to minutes. Five hours is only an hour. And you can get all next week for only last Tuesday. The price of Babylon Historical Essence has fallen. Many choice years of the 60's, 70's and 80's are available for mere weeks of there former cost. You can peruse our selection with a complimentary Time Capsule which gives you twelve full hours of twelve full hours. And it's all at the annual Time In A Spraycan Inventory Sale. We guarentee you'll come back for seconds!

CAPTAIN
Captain's log, Friday afternoon. The Enterprise is on a routine and boring mission to deliver much needed medical supplies to Anthrax IV. The only thing that might provide a little excitement is the rumor that the Ferengi are in the area.

(EFFECT: BRIDGE SOUNDS

GILLIGAN
I'm sorry to bother you captain, sir, but there's a battlecruiser approaching.

CAPTAIN
What was that? A cruiser! Oh boy! Action at last! Battle stations! Red alert! Captain to all hands, this is the big one! Prepare for glory!

(EFFECT: RED ALERT!)

GILLIGAN
Um, captain, sir, chief... it's a Federation ship. I don't think it's hostile. Sorry to trample on your glory, sir.

CAPTAIN
GILLIGAN!! Why didn't you tell me? Oh, never mind. Cancel Red Alert. Get them on the screen.

(EFFECT: RED ALERT DIES DOWN, BACK TO BRIDGE SOUNDS)

GILLIGAN (relieved)
Yes, your captainship. (to himself: *whew*)

(EFFECT: BLEEP!)

CAPTAIN (darkly)
Hmm, doesn't look so friendly. Yoda, have they tried to contact us yet?

YODA
Hailing frequencies open, all are. Broadcasting in all known languages, we try. Understand us not, they do. Mmmmmm, within them the force is not strong.

CAPTAIN
Well, never mind that. Let me try. Unknown ship! This is Captain Quentin McHale of the Federation ship Enterprise. We are on a *sigh* peaceful mission. Please identify yourself.

BEAVER (smoothly)
Hi there Captain! Sorry to take so long to contact you, but you've presented us with a bit of a problem. You see, we've come to deliver a serum to Anthrax IV.

CAPTAIN
But so have we. What's the problem.

BEAVER
The problem is that you want to GIVE them the serum. We want to sell it to them. They can hardly refuse.

CAPTAIN
But... but... that's cold blooded and mercenary!

BEAVER
Flattery will get nowhere captain. Shall we come over there and palaver, or do you want to come over here and do lunch.

CAPTAIN
You better come over here. We've already had lunch. I must say I don't approve of your methods. Are you Ferengi?

BEAVER
No, we're the Heckowi.

GILLIGAN
Sector 17, near the top.

CAPTAIN
Gilligan! All right people, who are they? Opinions. Spock?

SPOCK
I'm afraid the lieutenant's confusion is understandable, captain. The Heckowi were an obscure Indian tribe under the garrison of F Troop. They were assumed to have been assimilated into 19th Century America because no one's heard of them for... (takes breath) the last four hundred years!

(EFFECT: STING)

(BRIDGE SOUNDS FADE)

(Motown setup
a lead singer with backup singers)

LEAD SINGER
(Bible thumping) Brothers and sisters, let us show how proud we are to be Jews For Elvis

BACKUP SINGERS
(chanting) Hear oh Nashville, the Lord is God the Lord is THE KING!

SINGER 1
(Biblical cadence) His thighs are like columns of alabaster, set in sockets of gold.

LEAD SINGER
Song of Songs 5:15.

SINGER 2
(Biblical cadence) Driven on by my desire for wisdom, I decided to cheer myself up with wine and have a good time.

LEAD SINGER
Ecclesiastes 2:3

SINGER 3
(Blues cadence) You can do anything but lay off o' my blue suede shoes.

LEAD SINGER
The King said that, and we all know what he meant.

BACKUPS SINGERS
Oooo

LEAD SINGER
His words are the embodyment of the wisdom of the ages. So if you feel like you've checked into the Heartbreak Hotel...

BACKUPS SINGERS
Ooooooo!!

LEAD SINGER:...if you ever feel so lonely you could die...

BACKUPS SINGERS
OOOOO!!

LEAD SINGER
Just visit us, Jews for Elvis, and we'll show you how to cover Our Lord's Song of Life. We're located...

ALL
(In chorus):...in the ghetto.

(hold last note, then fade)

CAPTAIN
Captain's log, Friday, a little bit later. The medical supplies to Anthrax IV remain undelivered. The unexpected interference by the Heckowi is giving Spock a chance to show off.

(EFFECT: BRIDGE SOUNDS UP)

SPOCK
...According to my research, The Heckowi Indians were inhabitants of what was then the Western United States in the latter part of the 19th Century. After accidentally slaughtering the local cavalry over a dispute about workman's compensation, they seem to have migrated south. Records are scanty, and there is no trace of them as a tribe after that. But Captain! Their last known location was only a few hundred miles from a ranch known as The Ponderosa, owned by a Ben Cartwright.

CAPTAIN
Ben Cartwright? The father of Big Joe Cartwright, the most ruthless land baron of his time?

SPOCK
Indeed. And it was shortly after the Heckowi's disappearance that the Cartwrights went from established, middle class ranchers to young upwardly mobile land barons.

GILLIGAN
They were Yubbies!

SPOCK
The first, and the meanest.

CAPTAIN
But what does that mean now?

SPOCK
Unknown, Captain. The Cartwright fortune expanded, and they continue to be influential even today, though their reputation for dealing with shady characters persists.

CAPTAIN
I'd rather fight it out, but they want to parlay. Are they ready to beam aboard?

GILLIGAN
As ready as a clam digger with duck sauce.

CAPTAIN
Gilligan!

GILLIGAN
Yessir, they're ready. Beaming onto the Bridge now.

(EFFECT: BEAMING)

(Beaver and Mary come up to mikes)

CAPTAIN
Welcome to the Enterprise. Can we talk?

BEAVER
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Chief Hunting Beaver Who Breathes Vacuum. You may call me the Beaver. And this is Chief Weapons Officer Particle Beam Merriment. You may call her Mary.

MARY (as perky as possible)
Oh, Mr. BEAVER! You're so FORMAL! We're just hear to, y'know... talk. My friend Rhoda says...

CAPTAIN
(interrupting) I don't see what there is to talk about. We have to deliver much needed medical supplies to Anthrax IV like I said in the beginning. Why do you want to sell it to them?

BEAVER
It's for their own good. You see, this way a lot of capitol is generated, and when it does it gets trickled down to the general populace. Then they can lower taxes, spend more on defense, and balance their budget.

SPOCK
But that's highly illogical. Concentration of capitol in the hands of a few is a sure sign of the collapse of civilization.

MARY
Weeellll, it will take them a while to raise the cash. Large segments of the population will be... um, non-operational. Then the few people with money will be the majority. See, it's kind of a compromise.

SPOCK
But the good of the many outweighs the good of the few. The workers control the means of production, and you're planning to kill off all the workers. So logically...

BEAVER
Enough! We have serum. Your serum will glut the market, driving down prices. Will you co-operate, or will we have to guide the invisible hand by force?

CAPTAIN
Oh boy! A fight!

BEAVER
Before you get all gung ho, I'll point out that you're surrounded. This isn't just a pillow fight, Wally... um, Captain.

CAPTAIN
What? Is this true?

GILLIGAN: Yes, they've been sneaking up for several minutes. There's more of them there there were last episode.

CAPTAIN
Why didn't you tell me sooner, little buddy?

GILLIGAN
I didn't want to get you upset.

CAPTAIN
Upset? UPSET! I'll show you upset! I'll...

SPOCK
Chief Beaver, I contend that it is you who are in trouble. Our Captain is too clever for you. Whenever he gets in a fix, he reaches into his bag of tricks. Isn't that right, Captain?

CAPTAIN
Right-e-o!

BEAVER
But we've seen all the old shows, you can't fool us!

EVERYONE
Uh oh...

(EFFECT: STING)

(BRIDGE SOUNDS FADE)

JULIE
David, you know my problem. It's too much to bear alone. I must talk to someone.

DAVID
I'm sorry Julie, it's not that I don't want to care, but... I just don't. It hasn't sunk in yet. I'm sorry, but I don't feel for you. Give me time.

JULIE
(sobbing) But I don't have time!

ANNOUNCER
(somberly) A domestic scene, all too common in today's fast moving society. One person with a problem, and a friend who cares, but not soon enough. (more excited) But now there's a place where you can go to be the right person to turn to. The Marcus Welby School of Speed Empathy. We'll teach you to relate, to harmonize and to mirror. Yes, it's expensive, but in this case, money CAN buy friendship.

DAVID
Thanks for sharing. I hear you, and understand where you're coming from. Don't worry, I'll be here for you. Hmm... maybe it's the coffee you're drinking?

JULIE
Oh David, I love you!

ANNOUNCER
The Marcus Welby School of Speed Empathy. When you send enough to care the very best.

CAPTAIN
Captain's Log, Friday opposite Wheel of Fortune. Go away. I'm too busy to write these damn log entries.

(EFFECT: BRIDGE SOUNDS UP)

BEAVER
...Golly Captain, no, we don't think you have any tribbles.

CAPTAIN
Um, well, then we'll just have to... um... blow ourselves up! Yeah, that's the ticket! If you don't go away right now, we'll use our Corbomite to blow ourselves up and take you with us!

MARY
Oh, but that won't help the citizens of Anthrax IV, will it?

SPOCK
Excellently reasoned. We're dealing with wily opponents, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Oh yeah? Well, how's this one. You may think you have us surrounded, but just on the other side of the planet are three entire squadrons of Federation cruisers. We've got YOU!

BEAVER
Naw, you couldn't hide that many ships from us.

CAPTAIN: Would you believe ONE squadron?

BEAVER
No, not really?

CAPTAIN (in best Don Adams voice)
How about Harry Mudd with a cloaking device?

BEAVER
Prepare to attack!

SPOCK
Excuse me, but circumstances have forced my hand.

(Spock walks over to Mary, and places his hand on her head)

CAPTAIN
Spock has got Mary Tyler Moore in the Vulcan mind-meld! Of course!

SPOCK
Our minds are linking. The essence of each is binding the other. You are me and he is she and we are all together.

SPOCK & MARY
We are becoming one. This is really groovy.

SPOCK (in deep Spock voice)
Oh, Rob, I'm so happy. Gee, Mr. Grant, I can't thank you enough.

MARY (in perky Mary voice)
That's highly illogical. The odds are approximately 73.5486 to one. Indeed, Captain.

SPOCK
We can seek out and explore new worlds to turn on with a smile.

MARY
Serum, Anthrax IV, Heckowi, don't want you to know real reason. Covert operation. Devious plot.

SPOCK & MARY
Aahhhh!

(break link, staggering apart)

BEAVER
Oh, no! Mary, Did you spill the beans?

MARY
Yes, but now I know Spock's first name.

SPOCK (in pain)
*gasp* Captain, they're more than Heckowi. They're Thrush.

CAPTAIN
Thrush! I should have known! Anthrax IV voted against you in the last sector caucus and you're getting revenge. That explains the Federation vessel you're flying, and the need for campaign money! If word of this leaks out, you'll lose your seat on the Council... but I won't file my report until after the election if you leave now and let us save the planet!

BEAVER
Curses, foiled again. C'mon, we've got a Genesis device to steal.

MARY (to Spock)
Goodbye, big boy.

(EFFECT: TRANSPORTER)

(Beaver and Mary exit)

CAPTAIN
Excellent work Spock!

SPOCK
I'm afraid the strain of the mind meld did me mortal harm. All that pent up emotion, all that saccharine goodness... neither of my hearts can take it. Uh!

CAPTAIN
Oh my god! Spock! Is there anything we can do?

SPOCK
There's only one thing that will save me now, and that's... arrgghhh!

(Spock collapses on the floor)

(OMINOUS STING)

(BRIDGE SOUNDS FADE)

ANNOUNCER
Do you ever feel that your life should be this?

(EFFECT: STOCK MARKET, CASH REGISTER, ETC)

ANNOUNCER
Instead of this?

(EFFECT: COWS, INSECTS, PASTORAL MUSIC)

ANNOUNCER
Of course you do. There is an ever growing number of problems which get solved by going back in time and changing a key event. Possibly an event which effected YOUR life, and you didn't even know it. Now, be prepared. When someone comes back to the future, show proof of your deflected life with a Time Change Detection Kit! Yes, our patented Temporal Phlogistan Formula keeps track of the homeostasis of time, and when there's a bypass in the aorta of eternity, an alarm goes off in the privacy of your own home. You'll know of any change, from altering the outcome of WWII to merely moving some whales, with the Time Change Dectection Kit, at your local Pharmacy right next to the Dimension Change Detection Kit and the Personality Change Dectection Kit .

CAPTAIN
Captain's log, Friday, speaking in omniscient voice for the last time. We've brought Spock to sickbay to see if anything can be done to revive him from death. The prognosis is... Not a chance.

(EFFECT: SICKBAY)

CAPTAIN
Doctor, he's been declared dead before, and come back. What can you do?

DOCTOR
We Time Lords have many skills, necromancy isn't one of them.

CAPTAIN
Well, why don't you go back in time and prevent it from happening?

DOCTOR
No, we did that last season, and it gets old. I'm afraid... he's bought the farm, Captain.

CAPTAIN
But Bones! He's your friend too! Can't you think of anything?

DOCTOR
I'm The Doctor, not a scriptwriter!

TINKERBELLE
I've got an idea.

DOCTOR
Yes nurse, what is it?

TINKERBELLE (breathless optimism)
Well, you see, according to many respected metaphysicians, life itself is just a construct of human thought. Spock is dead because you don't have enough faith. But by overlaying the belief system of enough people on the template of reality, we can restore Spock to the skein of the living.

CAPTAIN
Yeoman Tinkerbelle, what do you mean?

TINKERBELLE (to audience, ad libbing somewhat depending on audience reaction)
If you want Spock alive you must help us out. Everyone who believes in Vulcans, clap your hands. That's it, clap! Louder! You people at home, clap too, we need everyone's help! Yes, yes! I think it's starting to work! Keep it up! That's it! Oh, he's starting move... (continue, subsiding as Spock rises, ending when he given the salute)

(over Tinkerbelle's exhortations: slowly, Spock rises, without his script. When he thinks he's milked the audience enough, he raises his hands in Nixon's double V-for-Victory salute)

TINKERBELLE
We've done it! Yes! Oh happy day, kaloo, kalay! Thank you everyone! (abruptly) You may sit down now.

(Spock retrieves his script)

CAPTAIN
Spock, are you all right?

SPOCK
I sustained no physical damage, Captain.

CAPTAIN
Ah, we're glad to have you back, Spock.

SPOCK
Humph. My return is simply the most efficient use of available resources. Emotions are highly illogical, and yet... I have an intense desire to take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile...

EVERYONE
Oh no...

(EFFECT: ENDING MUSIC UP)

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