Iran-Contra-Marcos/TITLE> <meta NAME="keywords" CONTENT="Shockwave, political humor, Iran-Contra, Marcos, Senate, Romm, humor, weird"></head> <BODY background="blueleft.jpg" TEXT="#000000" LINK="#0400FF" ALINK="#09FF08" VLINK="#FF0004"> <center><H1>THE IRAN-CONTRA-MARCOS -ILLUMINATI-PEARLYGATE SCANDAL</H1><p> <H2>by David E Romm</H2><p> <i>Copyright 1987 by SHOCKWAVE</i><p></center> <p><p> <i>Ed Note: This was aired June 15, 1987, right in the middle of the Iran-contra hearings, but before Ollie North testified, and assumed that they would go on forever, gaining momentum and adding new scandals as they appeared. I guessed wrong about the lifespans of Reagan and Marcos, but did accurately predict that Ollie wouldn't be allowed to make an opening statement. I leave it to the reader to determine what else, if anything, about this piece has come true or is likely to. At least Iran-contra was fun to watch; Starrgate is just tedious.</i><p> <p> <p><br> WEEK 1,023 <p> <p> <p> COHEN:<br>Good evening witnesses, fellow congressmen, members of the technical staff, and the viewing public. Welcome to the congressional hearings into the Iran-Contra-Marcos-Illuminati-Pearlygate affair, going strong for 1,023 weeks. This week's hearings brought to you by Hubris Beer, the beer that makes you damnably proud. I'm Representative Chung Lo Cohen of Puerto Rico, Chairman of the Joint House-Senate Committee. You all know who you are. Our first witness is Soon To Be Retired Major General Rick Avalanche. General Avalanche, do you have any opeing remarks?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir, I have a statement to make.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Too bad, because we're going right to the questioning. General, you were CIA station chief in Guatemala during the years 2003 to 2006, is that correct?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir, I was.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Could you describe the state of affairs in Guatemala at that time.<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Well, the country was still reeling from the coup which brought Ferdinand Marcos to power. The people of the countryside supported Marcos, but there was a strong Communist insurgent element imported from Cuba and Los Angeles threatening the newly legitimate government.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>And you felt that the loss of Guatemala to this insurgent element would harm the United States?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>I felt that way now, and still feel that way. It is in our vital national interest to prevent the Communists from stepping into a foothold in Central America. We must have Marcos toe the line.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>General Avalanche, in preceding weeks, we have heard testimony from several witnesses, including Imelda Marcos' hairdresser, that when Ferdinand Marcos took over Guatemala, he was worth nearly 20 billion dollars. The government of the Phillipenes tried for years to get it back, but couldn't. The money was his, and he spent it on mercenaries and construction, mostly in Guatemala itself. It is the only time in recorded history where a dictator put money into the treasury. Did he really need our help?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>We thought so at the time, sir. You see, his check to me bounced, and we thought his wealth was merely a media invention.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>His check to you?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>What was the check for?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>For bribes, sir. Bribes for me and my men. He was most generous, or at least we thought so until it bounced. That's why we started the Enterprise.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>You sound rather bitter.<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir, we were taken in. Not only did he fool us into thinking he needed money to fight Communism, but he never made good the check. It wasn't until later, in the Spring of the next year I believe, that we discovered the network of banks he was using, and realized that he'd written the check against one caught in the Brazil Default.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>And it was then that you decided that the Marcos led government in Guatemala needed help in fighting a Communists takeover?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Forgive me for sounding repitious, but I want to make sure I have the scenario complete. Marcos failed to bribe you, and you decided to help him by selling the body of Ronald Reagan to Iran. Didn't you know that was illegal?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>The Hitachi Amendment, prohibiting the sale of deceased elected officials to enemies of the United States by anyone in government. We made sure all the dealings of the Enterprise were done outside. This was too important for the intentions of legally elected officials to stop us.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>In retrospect, do you think it was wrong of you to do this.<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>The Enterprise was handled poorly by amateurs and zealots. My station, however, did what we felt necessary. Mistakes were made... but not by me.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>*sigh* All right. We'll come back to that later. Let's go on to the next topic, which you've already raised, if you'll pardon the expression. We've heard more that 5,000 hours of tesimony from Ambassador Quentin Toombs, Assistant Secratary of State Harlan Odeb, Adventurer Hagbard Celine, Reverand Hiccup, Secratary of the Navy Donna Rice, and a guy who refused to give his name or title. Can you tell me a little about your participation in what you call The Enterprise.<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>My Snoopy calender shows that it was September 22, 2004 that the idea first surfaced. It seemed logical enough. We had all these dead presidents, and Iran was willing to pay good money to have American leaders to revile, alive or not.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>And from whom did you first hear this... idea.<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Secretary Donna Rice. She didn't seem to hold former presidents in high regard.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Were you under the inpression that she was operating with the permission of the President?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>She frequently bragged that she had the ear of President Eastwood, and strongly implied that he was aware of what she was doing.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Did you ever have any hard evidence of her link with the President?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Just some old pictures, nothing certain.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>Did the President ever say anything to you regarding The Enterprise?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>No sir, he didn't. But he winked at me once, and since he's not that kind of guy, I assumed he was aware of my activities.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>And so you felt, rightly or wrongly, that you had presidential permission for The Enterprise?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir, that is correct. I was further convinced when two Secret Service men covered me as I was digging up Reagan's body.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>YOU did the digging, is that right?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Me, Lt. Col. Thorson, and his wife Betsy.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>(accusitorially) And so you felt, for whatever reasons proper or not, that you could, in violation of Federal law, dig and sell one of America's treasures, the body of President Ronald Wilson Reagan, the only president to die on national television while still in office, and further, sell it to an enemy who was going to put the body in public display to be jeered at!<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>(calmly) Yes sir. We feel President Reagan would understand. He knew about the need for money.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>(still on a roll) And how much did you get?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>12 million yen.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>That was kind of low for a president, wasn't it?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>It was the going rate at the time, plus 70% markup, most of which went to Guatemala.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>There was no talk of a 'president for hostages' deal?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Not as such, sir, though we did hope to get a dozen or two of the hostages freed as part of the deal. But mainly we needed money for The Enterprise.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>You keep refering to your actions as 'The Enterprise,' seemingly echoing Maj. Gen. Secord in the 80's. Is it because you patterned your operation ofter his?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>No sir. At first it was used as a codename, but we later acquired The Enterprise and used it to haul bodies.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>(surprised) The space shuttle Enterprise?<p> <p> AVALANCHE:<br>Yes sir. We had to fix it up to get it to fly, but NASA was very cooperative.<p> <p> COHEN:<br>This is a new development. We're going to recess the Congressional hearings into the Iran-Contra-Marcos-Illuminati-Pearlygate affair until next Tuesday to examine the implications of the fact Maj. Gen. Avalanche has presented here. Meeting adjourned for a commercial from our sponsor, ice cold Hubris beer. Yum yum!<p> <p> </table> <DIV ALIGN="center"><font face="elvetica, arial, sanserif" size=1> <a href="index.html">Shockwave Home Page</a> <> <a href="shockwave.html">Shockwave Radio</a> <> <a href="fandom.html">Science Fiction Fandom</a> <> <a href="gallery.html">Picture Gallery</a><br><a href="http://www.romm.org">Dave Romm's Home Page</a> <> <a href="Music_db.html">CD list and song database</a> <> <a href="links.html">Links</a> <> <a href="other.html">Other</a></font> </DIV> <HR> This is www.visi.com/~romm.Iran_contra.html<br>No convicted-felons-but-off-on-a-technicality were harmed in the making of this web page<br><A HREF="mailto:romm@visi.com"><img align=left src="scrit.gif" border=2 > Mail to <a href=mailto:romm@visi.com> David E Romm</a> </A> </body></html>