|
 I've always loved my hometown; living and growing up in the Twin Cities of Saint Paul and Minneapolis. Around here, we don't have too many celebrities outside of Louie Anderson and The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-Talented; but EVERYone knows of the crew and staff of Mystery Science Theater 3000. Oh, not everyone appreciates their style of humor, but that hasn't stopped this group of comics from earning a huge following! On top of this, their impact upon Science Fiction fandom has been phenomenal, adding a form of expression called "MiSTing".
What this entails is finding bad or unusual fan-fiction, insepid email advertisements, ridiculous USEnet spam and annoying troll-posts; then, doing unto them as Mike, Joel and the Bots did unto really bad movies. (ie, making fun of them with in-jokes, scathing commentary and wise-cracks.) While it's a general rule that you must always ask permission before MiSTing a piece of fan-fiction, anything else is fair game. For some who do MiSTings, this can be anything from conspiracy theories posted to the Internet to unsolicited email promising FREE MONEY for your home-remedy wart cures.
My own personal MiSTings are all archived here on this page in chronological order, with the first one I did at the top of the 1999 section. The current year will always be first, though. There is some continuity between them if you look carefully and you may want to read them in order, 1999 - 2000. Also, in addition to each MiSTing, I've included the un-edited version of the original source material. This way you can read them and see just how they were *before* I did anything to 'em... So, if you're ready and have some Tylenol or TUMs on-hand, just scroll down and start reading...
And, if you're looking for other MiSTings, check out Web Site Number Nine; you won't regret it!
- "In the not-too-distant-future, somewhere in Time & Space,
- Mike Nelson and his Robot Pals are caught in a Nasty Place,
- They try to survive the Wrath of Pearl, An Evil Gal who wants to rule the world,
- From her castle below she sets her sights above,
- Just to torture all her captives on the Satellite of Love..." (Etc...)
| 1999 MiSTings | 2000 MiSTings | 2001 MiSTings |
1999
|
1
|
- "Isn't It Amazing?" - chain email I received in January 1999
"[Fwd: [Fwd: This is amazing! Read It]]" - Original Title
- Painful due mostly to it's length, this piece of tripe -while not asking for money- was another example of all those chain letters I would automatically delete but which would fill up my mailbox with endless lines of names and addresses of other victims. No matter how I think about it, there is no justification for answering a chain letter ... they just aren't worth it. Not even if they promise you (in a number of lines vastly less than the header of the message) a place in the Guiness Book of World Records.
|
|
2
|
- "Boost Your Sex Appeal!" - sales email I received in late January 1999
"BOOST YOUR SEX APPEAL AND CHANGE YOUR SOCIAL AND SEX LIFE FOREVER." - Original Title
- Y'know, I thought that scams like this went out of style with those bad advertisements for X-ray specs that you'd find in 1960's comic books. My second MiSTing, this one is not as long as "Isn't it Amazing" but just as painful. I attribute it's hurting mostly to the lameness of the concept and my inherant distrust of anyone selling chemicals and drugs over the Internet.
|
|
3
|
- "Viva La Quiet Revolution!" - email spam I received in February, 1999
"'''''Earn'Extra'Money'Working'at'Home'''''" - Original Title
- Well, here we go; another MiSTing that I mostly did for target practice. Let me know what you think and I'll see if I can't improve my form next time!
|
|
4
|
- "Medical Breakdown" - email spam I received in February 1999
"MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH ANNOUNCED WORLDWIDE!" - Original Title
- And -what do you know- here we have the next MiSTing I fimished out of that
huge dibs I claimed a while back. Enjoy, pass it around and save some
for teacher...!
|
|
5
|
- "Gay? Got Pride?" - newsgroup stealth-insult spam I encountered in late February, 1999
"Gay?" - Original Title
- This MiSTing was done mostly because it was a stealth-spam posted to a group that was intended for serious discussion about gay issues. The fact that it contained nothing but trite, tired dogma and a complete lack of a willingness to discuss and debate the issues made me want to
MiST it very badly. I hope I have not offended anyone's religion with this; it was my intent to -rather- poke fun at the poster and not the faith he claims to represent.
|
|
6
|
- "Won't somebody *PLEASE* think about the Children?!!" with the short "Parents Alert!" - two web rants from March, 1999
"Parents Alert! Parents Alert!" & "Beware of Magic: The Gathering" - Original Titles
- When it comes to pain, nothing beats the ranting of a theologian who is so certain of an esoteric point of order, that reason can easily be sacrificed to literal Biblical interpretation. Such is the result of these twin MiSTings. Each comes from a website inhabited by the smallest of minds and narrowest of views. It gives me great pleasure to ease my pain in this fashion by doing unto them as they have done unto so many others. Enjoy and let me know what you think of my latest work ... a gift to those with open minds and cards in their decks.
|
|
7
|
- "The Truth Is Waaaayy Out There" with the short "Hypnotize Your Lover" - An X-Files fan-fic and email spam I encountered in March and April, 1999
"The Society" and "Hypnotize Your Lover" - Original Titles
Original Author of "The Society" is Usofney@aol.com
- Well, it's here at last. "The Society" was written by eternal good-sport Usofney@aol.com and I must confess she's actually -unlike most authors of MiSTied fanfiction- a pretty good writer. In fact, the only reason this was MiSTied was because of the pain the general concept and actual scenes evoked while reading it. Here we see a side of the X-Files' male characters that -quite frankly- no one wanted to see. I'm still having nightmares. The introductory short, "Hypnotize Your Lover" was a piece of Advertising spam that was so bizarre that it demanded this response. Enjoy!
|
|
8
|
- "Hellmosexuals and Satanic Influence" - 3 USEnet spams and a Web rant I ran into in late May and early June
"Hell is FULL of Homosexuals!", "God Will PUNISH You Sodomites!", "Hell Now Larger Than EVER!" and "Indicators of Satanic Involvement" - Original Titles
- This time I have some truly inspired tripe to share with you all; it's a MiSTing of three recent postings to several gay discussion newsgroups that prove LSD testing didn't end in the 60's. I can think of no other explanation for the psychotic visions shared with the public so lovingly by Brother Boyd. And, for dessert, I have another Web rant from the Logos group; sharpening their plowshares into swords for a new Inquisition.
|
|
9
|
- "Are You A Good Witch Or A Bad Witch?" - Internet Rant I discovered in July, 1999
"Is America Becoming a Pagan Nation?" - Original Title
- Well, I'm supposedly taking a vacation from any new MiSTings at this time, but this one was too good to pass up. Recently, there has been an uproar in the extreme Religious Reich because someone noticed that actual Wiccans (read: Witches) were serving in the United States Army. Well, it seems that this is unacceptable to some people who have organized a massive boycott, forbidding their sons and daughters from enlisting until the Wiccans are drummed out of the Armed forces. I guess freedom of religion is more frightening to these people than their own bubbling cauldron of short-sightedness...
|
|
10
|
- "Witch Hunting for Fun and Prophet" with the short "BARR DEMANDS END TO TAXPAYER-FUNDED WITCHCRAFT ON AMERICAN MILITARY BASES " - 2 news articles I found in May and June
"Be all and anything you want in the Army" - Original Title
- A comedian once told reporters that -in their line of work- the choice when voting for public officials is never easy. You can either choose the one who will be good for the nation or the one who will be good for the comic's career. Representative Bob Barr of Georgia definitely falls into the latter category. Apparantly, he's miffed that some Wiccan soldiers are actually practicing their faith on army grounds. Not only that, but he's managed to spawn dozens of hyper-right-wing calls for Wiccans to be drummed out of the corps and driven back into the broomclosets where they apparantly belong. The main course of today's experiment is one such inspired piece of drivel.
|
|
11
|
- "Sequals Can Be HELL!" - USEnet spam I received in June/July
"Gates of Hell WIDE OPEN!!!" and "Got a Demon in Your SEMEN?" - Original Titles
- Sometimes, evil is so stupid, it makes itself too easy to defeat. How else can you explain the "Divine Inspiration" that drives self-described preachers as Norman Boyd? I warn those of you with weak constitutions not to read this email. A lot of the original material is pretty vile and Brother Normal really has *quite* an active imagination! It's taken me a long time to get this done, but I had to get it finished in time for the holidays. Enjoy it ... if you can!
|
|
12
|
- "Gotta Damn 'Em All!" - Web Rant I discovered in August
"How POKEMON and Magic Cards Affect the Minds and Values of Children." - Original Title
With the Introductory Short "Go Vote!"
- Coincidence sometimes makes my life easier. Such was the case when someone forwarded me the URL for this article condeming Pokemon as a Satanic influence. I DIBsed it for MiSTing treatment but then let it sit on the back-burner while I worked on other projects. Then, as if by chance (which it was), I tuned in to CNN and found the author of that very article speaking to a surly crowd about how their children were hell-bound. It was enough inspiration to get me back to the keyboard and start typing. And here it is... Also -just in time for the Millenium- I have some email spam I got asking me to stuff a ballot box for Jesus! Have fun!
|
2000
|
|
|
|
1
|
- "Allez Cuisine!" - an "Iron Chef" fan-fic I discovered in late 1999
"In the beginning..." - Original Title
Original Author of "In the beginning..." is Leigh Ann Hussey
- Writer's block can be a long, painful process. It deprives a creative artist of ideas, outlet and expression. Luckily, it also shields the public from their mindless drivel. However, "drivel" is not a word I would use to describe Leigh Ann Hussey's "In the Beginning...". Once again, I managed to find a fan-fic that's rather good. I guess the only reason I decided to ask for Ms. Hussey's permission to MiST it is that I'm a big fan of "Iron Chef" myself and this kind of good-natured ribbing is the sort of thing I've grown to expect in fanish circles. Yep, it's an "Iron Chef" fanfic; and it's on that basis alone that I decided to run it through a processor and make fanfic pate... I hope you enjoy it! And, please, check out Ms. Hussey's other works ... they're quite good too!
|
|
2
|
- "America - Home of the Free and Depraved" with the short "THE DREAM OF YOUR LIFE BECOMES A REALITY!" - an infamous webpage I discovered in late August, 1999 and some email spam
"God Hates America" and "THE DREAM OF YOUR LIFE BECOMES A REALITY!" - Original Titles
- What can I say about Fred Phelps that hasn't already been said a thousand times by at least a million normal, well-adjusted people? Even though someone else beat me to the MiSTing of his webpage, "GodHatesFags.com", when I discovered that -apparantly- God Hates America, too; well, how could I resist? I warn you, this sort of web page really can get under your skin...
|
|
3
|
- "Giant Guns and Other Fruedian Slips" - a Web forum posting I found in late Summer, 1999
"Brainwashing children with communist propaganda" - Original Title
- Normally, I don't MiST things this short. However, this is a special case. Not only was my best friend in the world, Vincent Truitner, an animator on the movie "Iron Giant", but this particular message, posted to the Warner Brothers' "Iron Giant" forum (intended for youths and other fans of the film), was paranoid, poorly written and demonstrative of the kind of mental illness that usually prevents the legal ownership of a firearm. Basicaly, I used this piece of drivel as an excuse to polish up my host segments which ended up longer than the actual MiSTing by a good margin. So, to you, the gentle reader, I bid you peace, prosperity and the hope that you never encounter this horrible brand of subversive brainVOTEFORRALPHNADERwashing on the net.
|
2001
|
|
|
|
1
|
- "No, Really; I'm Not Gay!" - USEnet spam I received in late January, 2000
"I Didn't Invent Homo Promiscuity!" - Original Title
- Well, what better way to start off my MiSTings for 2001 with the very last rant I plan on MiSTing by the esteemed Norman Boyd? Well, Ok, I can think of several things I'd rather do than read his drivel, such as driving a pair of pinking shears into my cuticles, but I figured that it's a good way to put him to rest once and for all. He really is an annoying jerk and this particular bit of newsgroup spam -at long last- finally avoids his excessive uses of gore and depictions of Hell. I hope you survive. I didn't.
|
|
2
|
- "Harry Pothead" - email spam I received in late May, 2000
"THE DANGER OF HARRY POTTER" and "Harry Potter Takes Drugs" - Original Titles
- This took me a bit longer than I anticipated, but it's finally done. I put a little more work into the host segments than usual, with most of it being done on the closing section. I hope it's worth it. This particular experiment deals with that lovely bug-a-boo, "defending our children" and proposes the ultimate of punishments: censorship. So, sit back, relax and read on... Or just save yourself the pain and read a "Harry Potter" book instead.
|
|
|
![[the Proprietor]](images/nav/but01_off.gif){kind=small}
![[Fandom]](images/nav/but02_on.gif){kind=small}
![[Creations]](images/nav/but03_off.gif){kind=small}
![[Thoughts]](images/nav/but04_off.gif){kind=small}
![[the World]](images/nav/but05_off.gif){kind=small}
