Harry Pothead ... a MiSTing
by David J Rust - February, 2001
Read the Original Message
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
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(Scene: SOL Interior. CROW is sitting behind the console, facing mostly away with a small panel open in the back of his head. TOM is looking into it, apparently fiddling around with something. A small screwdriver is attached to his right hand.)
TOM: Ok, I think that's about it... Let's try it, Crow!
CROW: (turning around to face TOM) Ok, here we go!
(A bad Chroma-key effect fuzzes around CROW as he fades from sight.)
TOM: (enthused) Cool! It works!
CROW: (his voice coming out of nowhere) Uh, Tom? Where'd you go?
TOM: Hunh?
CROW: Well, I think the synthetic gland is working, but I can't see anything.
TOM: Uh, well, that would be because the light is passing *through* your eyes and not reflecting on your optical scanners...
(There's silence for a few moments and then TOM falls backwards as if bumped into by something.)
CROW: (angrily) WHAT?!! You made me invisible, but forgot to let me see anything?!!
TOM: (indignantly) Well, it's an *obvious* side-effect; I would have thought you'd be pleased enough that no one can see you...
CROW: (shouting) I want my molecules back!
MIKE: (entering from stage-right) Hiya Tom; seen Crow any-- (he trips over the "invisible" CROW and falls.)
CROW: (from thin air) Hey! Watch where you're going!
(The commercial sign lights start flashing as TOM bobs forward towards them.)
TOM: Uh, Crow, first we have to get Mike conscious; then I'll get the gland out of your head; I promise!
CROW: (still from thin air) Well, good!
TOM: Of course -first- I have to find it...
CROW: (from thin air) What?!!
TOM: (to the camera) We'll be right back.
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL Interior. TOM is standing to one side behind the console and MIKE is crouched over it, apparently wrestling with an unseen CROW.)
MIKE: (shouting) Crow! Stay still! This is for your own good!
CROW: (still invisibly) But Mike! I...I can see so much, now! I'm god-like ... omnipotent...!
TOM: (cutting in) ...Unseeing...
MIKE: Ahhhh... There we go!
(We hear a snapping sound as MIKE pulls back a pair of pliers with a gooey thing clamped in it. CROW reappears in a fuzzy Chroma-key effect.)
CROW: Hey! I can see again!
TOM: Well, *that* was a Kevin Bacon moment...
MIKE: (wiping his brow and discarding the pliers) Well, I hope you've learned a lesson from all this, Tom.
TOM: (to MIKE) Lesson?
MIKE: (nods) Yeah; about tampering with things as dangerous as invisibility.
CROW: Dangerous?
TOM: Well, not really.
(The mads lights start flashing and MIKE sighs, stepping up to them.)
MIKE: Well, just don't do it again, Ok?
GYPSY: (unseen) Mike? Guys? Where is everybody? I can't see anything!
TOM: Heh. We'll discuss this later, Ok?
MIKE: (tapping the lights) Yes; let's.
(Castle Forrester. PEARL is going over a checklist.)
PEARL: (looking up with a smile) Well, Mike, Tom, Darien... I'm afraid I don't have too much time to chat today. Auntie Pearl's doing a bit of spring cleaning.
(OBSERVER enters from stage-left.)
OBSERVER: Madam, the car's gassed up and we're ready to go!
PEARL: Excellent! Those potato bugs won't know what hit them... (she yells to BOBO, off-camera to the right) Ok, fuzz-ball, let 'er rip!
BOBO: (from off-camera) You got it, Lawgiver!
(We hear a muffled boom and the hiss of gas as PEARL faces the camera.)
PEARL: Your experiment this week, boys, is a wonderful sampling of USEnet spam concerning pint-sized fictional conjurer, Harry Potter.
OBSERVER: (nodding) It's a double-dose of mystical and counter-culture conspiracy theories that, quite frankly, leaves me baffled.
PEARL: Yeah, and he's got an IQ the size of Montreal!
(White smoke starts filtering in from stage-right and BOBO staggers in, coughing.)
BOBO: Bug-bombs away, Lawgiver!
PEARL: (starting to cough and look concerned) "Bombs"? Plural? Bobo, how many did you use?
BOBO: Well, the kitchen *is* a big place...
(The smoke keeps filling up the room and soon, and soon the three can't be seen, but their coughing can be heard.)
(SOL. Movie sign lights are flashing and we see GYPSY again, MIKE holding another set of pliers with another gland in them.)
MIKE: Now, Tom... No more invisibility experiments. (He looks around to see only CROW and GYPSY) Tom?
CROW: We don't have time for this Mike... We have USEnet sign!
CROW/MIKE: Yahhhhhhh!
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(Theater Interior. TOM is already sitting in his seat as the other two enter.)
TOM: Hey guys, I thought I'd get a jump on you and get the best seat.
MIKE: (sitting down) Isn't that where you always sit?
TOM: Your point would be...?
(The spam starts loading on the screen.)
> THE DANGER OF HARRY POTTER >
TOM: (bobbing back and forth) Danger, Harry Potter! Danger! (he chuckles)
> Daniel T. Zanoza
CROW: Hey! It's muh-muh-muh-*my* Zanoza! (*chuckles*)
> July 13, 2000 > > CRESTWOOD --
MIKE: (in a low voice) Meanwhile; at Stately Crestwood Manor...
> The Harry Potter children's books are not as innocent as > they seem.
TOM: They have shifty eyes and can't be trusted.
> > While some educators rave about the Potter phenomenon as something > positive for children, there is a troubling aspect concerning the > content of these books, which should give pause to parents and our > society as a whole.
TOM: They're printed on *paper*! Yes, each book represents a mighty redwood; felled for our patrician pleasures and wasteful recreation!
CROW: (to TOM) Hunh?
MIKE: (chuckling) Somehow, I doubt Mr. Zanoza is going to go off on an environmentalist rant, here Tom...
TOM: Well, it was worth a shot.
> > I'm sure there are many who will scoff at what I am about to say.
ALL: (in unison) Yep!
> > But I believe the Potter books are introducing an entire generation to > magic and witchcraft.
MIKE: The Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Anderson must be *so* miffed!
> > As sales of the Potter books continue to break records, millions of > children are mesmerized by the literary series.
TOM: (in a dramatic tone) SLEEEEEEP!
> > Children are being exposed to the occult, while naive adults praise > the books--simply because students are reading.
CROW: (in a Midwestern housewife voice) Oh, isn't it splendid; little Jimmy is learning to read!
TOM: (in the same sort of voice) Yeah, and his command of the arcane arts is really keeping the neighbor's chihuahua off of our lawn, don'tcha know!
> > Using this type of logic, we also would be happy if kids were reading > pornography.
MIKE: (shrugging) Well, only if it was "Playboy"...
(The two bots look at him.)
MIKE: (in a rushed voice) For the articles! For the articles!
CROW: Suuuuurrrre, Mike.
MIKE: Oh, never mind...
> > Obviously this is a ridiculous premise;
TOM: And the author's conscience promotes a brief flirtation with honesty...
> yet tampering with the occult > is potentially far more dangerous for children, often leading to > spiritual confusion, psychological problems and, in all too many > cases, suicide.
MIKE: So the suicide rate amongst confused, crazy occultists is up?
TOM: Yeah; I can just see them now... Wandering in black-clad droves; driven to drink blood of newt for just a fraction of the former "high"...
CROW: ...changing themselves into frogs...
TOM: It's not a pretty sight.
> > Those of us who believe there is a spiritual aspect to our world are > not surprised by the popularity of the Potter books.
CROW: (in mock-sincerity) Our angel-guides tell us everything!
> The occult is a > dangerous and seductive thing that the three major world religions > warn against.
TOM: Three major world religions?
MIKE: Yeah: Christianity, Judaism and Microsoft.
> In fact, the scriptural teachings of Christianity, Islam > and Judaism are emphatic about the dangers of such practices.
CROW: (bitterly) Yeah, but so are "Goofus and Gallant" comic strips.
> > The Potter books, under a cloak of innocence, are infecting the minds > of millions.
CROW: Hey, I thought Mental Viruses Incorporated only operated out of Minnesota!
MIKE: (in an aside to CROW) Careful Crow; your fan-boy side is showing...
> > Unfortunately traditional religion has been scrubbed clean from > American society.
TOM: (in an aside to MIKE) Most city planners just build churches for esthetics, nowadays, you know.
MIKE: (ala Johnny Carson) I did not know that!
> At the same time, things like the Potter books, > which elaborate on magic and witchcraft, are welcome in public > schools.
CROW: Uh, guys? Under this logic, shouldn't we also ban "Hansel & Gretel", "The Wizard of Oz" and "The Lord of the Rings"?
MIKE: (cautiously) Well, Crow, if kids are starting to throw water on their teachers and turning them into bubbling, green goo...
> Subsequently many children have nothing in their lives > concerning personal faith. Therefore the occult continues to become an > answer for more and more young people.
MIKE: So, faerie tales and fantasy books equal the occult? Does the Golden Dawn know about this?
> > J.K. Rowling, the author of the Potter series, said the idea for the > books came to her while she was riding on a train.
TOM: Which is appropriate for the one-track mind set of it's detractors.
> I have no problem > ascertaining what spiritual force was behind her enlightenment.
CROW: (as the author) I saw it in a vision.
> > Most troubling, however, is how readily accepted these books are in > public schools. We actually have a friendly wizard, conjuring his way > through one adventure after another, and no one even raises an > eyebrow.
MIKE: Well, for Harry Potter-style occultists, raising the dead is probably easier...
> Imagine if Potter was a priest or rabbi praying his way > through each episode.
CROW: Well, the sales would be a lot lower; that's for sure.
> We all know such a character would be taboo in > modern public schools. Yet, in the books, Potter is a wizard, > practicing the faith of Wicca, the only religion not subject to the > so-called rules concerning separation of church and state.
All: (stunned) Hunh?
TOM: Wicca's exempt from the separation of Church and State? Did I miss a Senate vote or something?
MIKE: (sighing) I think the author's making the assumption that any fanciful expression of magic in a story is synonymous with the theological practices of Wiccans.
CROW: Well, what about every time a kid passes a test and says "Thank God!"?
TOM: Yeah? Is that as indicative of Christianity as Harry Potter is of Wicca?
MIKE: (spreading his arms, helplessly) Hey guys, *I* didn't write this! Complain to the author!
CROW: All right then...!
TOM: We will!
MIKE: (sighing) Imagine my joy...
> > I believe the Potter books represent something dark and sinister under > the guise of entertainment for children.
TOM: Well, if we were talking "Johnny Bravo" or "The Powerpuff Girls", I might believe it, but Harry Potter?
> > As the saying goes, wolves will come in sheep's clothing. In the > Potter series, this certainly seems to be the case.
CROW: (sighing) Stealth Wiccans and cross-dressing wolves; this rant has it all.
(CROW gets up to go; MIKE picks up TOM and starts to follow.)
MIKE: Well, what did you expect?
CROW: (from off-camera) I dunno... Intelligence?
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(SOL Interior. Camouflage netting is draped over the walls and console ala a M*A*S*H* Unit. A wooden, direction sign is posted to one side, each arrow reading something like "Earth - 10,482 miles" or "Mars - 23,478,672 miles". CROW and MIKE walk on-camera; CROW in fatigues but MIKE in drag wearing a feather boa.)
MIKE: I dunno about this...
CROW: (to MIKE) Just play along, "Klinger".
MIKE: (nodding) Oh, Ok... (he picks up a script to read from it) Hawkeye; have you seen Colonel Potter?
CROW: (in a bad Groucho Marx-like accent) I dunno, do I look like an information desk?
(Canned laughter sounds and MIKE looks around, confused, before continuing.)
MIKE: (still reading from his script) Well, you see, we just got a message from the home office that we're tainting American youth with our medical techniques!
CROW: (rolling his eyes) Well, you can tell the Colonel now; here he comes...
(TOM enters from stage-right, wearing a General Patton-like uniform. His name tag reads "Col. Harry Potter" and he's wearing big, round glasses along with a lightning bolt sticker on his forehead.)
TOM: (nodding to CROW) Hawkeye... (to MIKE) Klinger...
MIKE: Uh, Colonel; we got a wire from stateside that says we can't use magic to heal our injured soldiers!
TOM: (taken aback) What? Well, consarn-it; what're we *supposed* to use? IVs? Scalpels?
CROW: (indignantly) Yeah, Klinger! Who wrote this directive anyway?
MIKE: (still reading) Well, uh... Uh... (he sighs and puts down the script) Ok, guys; that's enough...
CROW: What?
TOM: Oh, come on, Mike! I haven't even gotten to fly on my broomstick yet!
MIKE: (shrugging and spreading his arms) Well, I understand its funny and all, but -really- it just seems like an awfully long way to go for such a simple pun!
(GYPSY comes on camera from stage-left. She's wearing a blonde wig and big, fake plastic lips.)
GYPSY: Is it time for my scene yet?
CROW: (annoyed) Not yet, Gypsy...
TOM: Yeah, Mike here's not getting into the spirit of things, yet!
MIKE: (sighs) Look, I'm sorry. I just don't think the gang from M*A*S*H* would engage in the arcane arts!
CROW: Even if it meant saving lives?
MIKE: (nodding) Even if it meant saving lives... Besides, why are they following a 10-year old kid with glasses anyway?
TOM: Because he could *zap* them with a stray lightning bolt if they don't?
(TOM bobs upwards a bit and a cheesy electrical arc lets loose from one of his hands to zap the script that MIKE put down on the console. MIKE jumps back, startled.)
MIKE: Uh, well, I guess that might explain it...
CROW: Yeah, so go get your spare script and let's continue, shall we?
TOM: (to GYPSY) Go back off-stage, "Hot-Lips"; we'll call for you soon...
MIKE: (sighs as the commercial sign lights flash) The things I do for you guys...
(MIKE tosses the feather boa over his shoulder and exits with flourish, stage-left.)
CROW: (to TOM) Can you teach me to do that?
TOM: May I have your soul in exchange?
CROW: (after a pause) Uh, Ok!
(Fade to planet bumper as we hear another "zap", followed by CROW saying "Cool!".)
(----------go to commercial----------)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(Theater Interior. The guys enter and take their seats.)
> Harry Potter Takes Drugs
CROW: (sounding confused) What? Like Psuedofed? Ibuprofin? Tylenol?
TOM: (like a nervous child) Is ... is Harry sick, Mike?
CROW: (chiming in) Will he get better?
MIKE: (in a calming voice) Sure, sure... Just keep reading. Harry'll be fine.
> > For this reason society requires that the education of youth should be > watched with the most scrupulous attention.
CROW: Introducing: "Cameras in the Classrooms"!
TOM: It's the only way to be sure.
> Education is a great > measurer, forms the moral character of men and morals are the basis of > government. Noah Webster, 1758-1843
TOM: Does it surprise any of you that a guy named "Noah" thinks that government is based on morals?
MIKE: (thinking about it) Not really.
CROW: Nope.
> > I read the book Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone to stay abreast of > current popular reading material for my children.
CROW: Yeah, and Mike reads "Playboy" for the articles.
MIKE: (exasperated) But I *do*!
(The bots snicker as MIKE starts sounding flustered.)
MIKE: I mean, I *would*! I *would*! Uh, if I actually *got* that magazine, that is... (hurriedly, he adds...) Which I don't!
CROW: Suuuurrrrrre, Mike.
TOM: Whatever you say, Nelson.
> I decided it was not > suitable for my children because of the emphasis placed on the making > and taking of drugs by the hero of the story, Harry Potter, as part of > his education during his apprenticeship to a Potions Master.
MIKE: Harry Potter and the Magic Mushrooms; coming soon to Amazon.com.
> This > drug-seeking behavior is "politically incorrect." There have been > many popular books removed and indeed banned from libraries because > they contain material deemed politically incorrect due to language or > content.
TOM: "The Wizard of Oz"...
MIKE: Plato's "Republic"...
CROW: "The Bible"...
> I suggest that this is one of those "incorrect" books because > it contains drug language and drug content far more dangerous than the > language of Huckleberry Finn or Little House on the Prairie.
TOM: (in an announcer's voice) In a play adapted by Dr. Timothy Leary...
CROW: Andrew "Dice" Clay *is* Laura Ingalls Wilder!
> > I recommend this New York Times best seller be read by all adults with > children and consider if they deem the content suitable for their > child.
MIKE: Which will ensure it's plummeting sales, how?
> The following quotation and story line from the book are > alarming to me and certainly give children an indoctrinating message > about drugs.
TOM: Let's examine each one for relevant evil and corruption, shall we?
> > "I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly > simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of > liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring > the senses...
CROW: The new fragrance from Este Lauder: Obsessive-Compulsion!
> I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even > stopper death- if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I > usually have to teach." The Potions Master
MIKE: Thus proving that even fantasy instructors can be as insulting and degrading as public school teachers.
> > Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone p. 137
TOM: (in a dramatic voice) He who pulls this bubbling beaker from the stone, shall be King of all England!
> > This quotation is taken from the section of the discussion by the > Potions Master as he berates the students for their lack of knowledge > of making drugs when adding "powered root of asphodel to an infusion > of wormwood."
CROW: Powdered asphalt? What th'...?
> This plant wormwood contains thujone, a hypnotic drug, > which is banned by the FDA, and wormwood is used to make Absinthe, a > hallucinogenic liqueur.
MIKE: But whatever you do, don't take the brown acid...
> Another record near the end of the book, > portrays seven bottles containing drug potions:
CROW: Lessee... "Dopey", "Sneezy", "Doc"... Hey! Who replaced my potions with "Extract of Dwarf"?!!
TOM: One makes you larger and one makes you small...
> 3 contain poison, 2 > contain wine and 2 contain a magic drug, which the children are to > correctly chose from and drink in order to reach their goal
CROW: Well, that's one way to weed out under-achievers...
MIKE: Wouldn't it be more effective to just transfer them all to the Kansas school system?
CROW: (to MIKE) Effective, yeah, but not as humane as poison.
MIKE: (to CROW) Ahhh... Good point.
> - the > sorcerer's stone, which they are seeking, before the effects of the > drug wears off. pp. 286-287 > > The drug message in this book is clear.
MIKE: As long as you're on something, that is.
> To reach your goals in life > like Harry Potter you need to know how to make drugs and take drugs in > just the right way or else you are a "dunderhead" and will never > succeed.
CROW: Or at least know how to make magical potions.
> Read the book for yourself and consider that the message is > indeed there. Parents, children and teachers should be aware of the > drug message this popular book delivers. Indeed, the Kentfield School > District is reviewing it now.
CROW: After hundreds and hundreds of crank phone calls!
MIKE: (as a school principal) Yes? A concerned parent? (suspiciously) Drug message in "Harry Potter"? Did you just call me?
TOM: (as the author) Uh, no ... no. Must be a large group of concerned parents calling you...
MIKE: Well, what's *your* name, then?
TOM: (flustered and in a rushed voice) Uh, well, I'd rather remain anonymous... Bye!
> I suggest the message to our children by > the support of this book is, "adults like me to read this book and it > is OK for my hero, Harry Potter, to take drugs to reach his goal; so > then it must be OK for me to make and take drugs to reach my goals > too."
CROW: (to the author) Unlike this article's message to parents: "this guy couldn't figure out how to hate these books on religious grounds without sounding like a nut, so he came up with a pseudo-scientific reason: drugs!"
> > Parents beware of the drug message of this "politically incorrect" book.
TOM: Bill Maher *is* "Harry Potter"!
> > The author is a physician and father who asked to remain anonymous.
(MIKE gets up to leave, picking up TOM.)
MIKE: Any relation to a real doctor or father-figure is purely coincidental...
TOM: Your mileage may vary.
CROW: And remember, keep watching the skies!
(The three of them leave the theater.)
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(SOL Interior. The lights are dimmed with lighting canisters set up for a concert. A sign over the door reads "Psychedelic Sand Witch". CROW and TOM are there in tie-died shirts with guitars. MIKE walks on-camera wearing a large peace-symbol and wearing his own tie-died Grateful Dead shirt.)
MIKE: Like, hey there... Welcome to our concert; we're "Sand Witch" and this is our latest, "Go Ask Harry" or "Rabbit Trick"...
(The bots and MIKE start "playing" singing the following lyrics to "White Rabbit".)
CROW: One spell makes you larger / And one spell makes you small,
TOM: And the ones that Hogwarts gave you / Taint souls and aide their fall
ALL: Go ask Harry / When he's ten feet tall.
MIKE: And when assigned to read dogma / Your mind and will, about to fall,
CROW/TOM: Tell 'em a bible thumpin', dazed, preacher-man / Has put you in a thrall.
ALL: Call Harry / When he was just small.
CROW: When preachers on the schoolboard / Tell you what you all must believe
TOM: And you've just had some kind of vision / And free thought you can't retrieve.
ALL: Go ask Harry / I think he'll grieve.
MIKE: When reason and religion / Face off inside your head,
CROW: And nut-cases are taking over / And Rawlings's books are nearly dead...
TOM: Remember what Mike and the bots said:
CROW: (speaking, rather than singing) Bite Me.
TOM/MIKE: Crow!
CROW: What?!!
(The mads lights start flashing and MIKE sighs, reaching forward to tap them.)
MIKE: We'll try another recording later... (he looks at the camera and flashes it a peace-sign) Yeah, mellow-dudes?
(Castle. Smoke is still thick in the air as we see PEARL, OBSERVER and BOBO sitting on the floor in hippie gear, obviously stoned. PEARL is reading a copy of "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire".)
BOBO: (moving his paws in front of his face) Oooooh! Lawgiver! I can *see* the music!
PEARL: He's -like- so magical! (to OBSERVER) Oh, Brain Guy... Thanks for this magical, mystery tour... (she moans and falls over to the side, passing out) Ahhhhh...
OBSERVER: (sounding dazed and confused) Hey, anything for a fellow flower child... (he looks at the camera and smiles dopily) Well, guys, I guess we'll be signing off for now. Stay mellow...!
BOBO: (reaching down to pick something off the floor and pop it in his mouth) Ooooh! A potato bug!
(Fade to black.)
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
WHITE RABBIT (G. Slick) -- original lyrics One pill makes you larger / And one pill makes you small, And the ones that mother gives you / Don't do anything at all. Go ask Alice / When she's ten feet tall. And if you go chasing rabbits / And you know you're going to fall, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar / Has given you the call. Call Alice / When she was just small. When the men on the chessboard / Get up and tell you where to go And you've just had some kind of mushroom / And your mind is moving low. Go ask Alice / I think she'll know. When logic and proportion / Have fallen sloppy dead, And the White Knight is talking backwards / And the Red Queen's "off with her head!" Remember what the dormouse said: "Feed your head. Feed your head. Feed your head"
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo, TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific contents are copyright (c) 2000 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc., G. Slick, Daniel T. Zamoza, or the publishers or author of "Harry Potter Takes Drugs" is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> To reach your goals in life > like Harry Potter you need to know how to make drugs and take drugs in > just the right way or else you are a "dunderhead" and will never > succeed.