Are You A Good Witch Or A Bad Witch? ... a MiSTing
by David J Rust - July, 1999
Read the Original Message
(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
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(Scene: SOL Interior. The main console room is decorated with Red, White and Blue bunting, cardboard stars are taped to the walls and a cardboard cut-out of a gazebo on a park-like hilltop is hanging on the wall in the background. On the console is a red-and-white checkered table cloth, a picnic basket and a HUGE watermelon. MIKE and TOM are setting up a beach umbrella over the whole thing as CROW enters.)
MIKE: (pulling the umbrella to an up-right position) Ok, Tom... Hold 'er there... (TOM is pushing with his back as MIKE rights the umbrella) There! That did it!
TOM: (getting out from under the pole where he was propping up the umbrella) Whew! That was hard work, but it was worth it for an old-fashioned, rural, fourth-of-july outing, right Mike?
MIKE: I couldn't agree more...
CROW: (appreciatively) Wow, guys... This looks great!
TOM: Yep! It's a regular Pollyanna-in-the-Park picnic, Mike!
MIKE: Well, it's just one of those holidays that really needs celebrating... We should all be grateful for our liberty; our freedom...
TOM: (after thinking about MIKE's statement for a moment) But, uh, Mike? You aren't free... (he clears his throat) I mean, Pearl's got you trapped up here like a gerbil in a science classroom.
MIKE: (suddenly looking dejected) Oh, yeah... That's right...
CROW: (in an aside to TOM) Oh, good-one, Servo... (speaking up quickly) Still, don't fret Mike! I've got something here that's *sure* to cheer you up!
MIKE: (sounding hopeful) You do?
CROW: Sure! One sec... (He goes off camera)
TOM: (continuing anyway) And then there's the fact that Pearl won't allow you to vote, hold property or practice your religion of choice...
(CROW comes back on camera holding a small sparkler which is sputtering and burning.)
CROW: Here you go, Mike! Fireworks!
TOM: (fearfully) Yaaaaaahhhh! Crow, NO!!!
MIKE: Crow, we're in a low-pressure, high-oxygen atmosphere up here; fireworks would be...
(There's a bright flash and BOOM, after which there is smoke everywhere and everyone is covered with soot and looking damaged. The decorations are burnt and smoldering, CROW's beak has come loose and TOM has a fractured head. The commercial sign lights are flashing. For several seconds, nothing happens, then MIKE taps the lights.)
MIKE: We'll be right back...
(----------go to commercial----------)
(Over the planet bumper we hear CROW mutter a quiet "Ouch".)
(--------back from commercial--------)
(SOL Interior. MIKE is cleaning the soot off of TOM and CROW, the console room is pretty much cleaned up save for some burnt bunting.)
MIKE: (sighing) You know Crow, while I usually appreciate the thought behind the gift, I still think you need to be punished...
CROW: Awww, come on Mike! How was I supposed to know I'd trigger an Oxygen fire?
TOM: Oh, I dunno, by reading the Life Support manual, maybe?
MIKE: Tom's right Crow, and for your punishment, I want you to read that manual cover-to-cover and write a 200-word report on "Why I Won't Blow Up The Satellite Again".
CROW: (hanging his head doggedly) All right...
(The mads lights start flashing.)
MIKE: Great, Marge, Bart and Homer are calling... (he taps the lights) Yes, oh evil overlords?
(Cut to Castle Forrester where PEARL is standing in front of a blinking control panel and BOBO, behind her, is looking out of a telescope. Red, flashing lights are going off in the Castle as PEARL addresses the camera.)
PEARL: (in an all-business tone) No time for pleasantries, Spaceman Spiff-Nelson. A few minutes ago, Bobo and I intercepted a communication from a massive, moon-sized space ship heading towards Earth. Already, they've taken control of all communication satellites and are using them to coordinate a planet-wide assault on freedom, democracy and apple pie!
BOBO: Lawgiver! They're getting ready to fire!
(SOL.)
MIKE: (shocked) Pearl, that's terrible!
TOM: Yeah, what are you going to do about it?
(Castle. PEARL is working frantically at the controls in front of her.)
PEARL: Well, since buddy-buddy team "Terminus" and "the Watcher" are off at a Pride Event in Andromeda, saving the world is up to me... (she pauses on the last words dramatically and then goes back to fiddling dials) Pearl Forrester has to save the Earth!
(SOL. The guys are looking out the console room's window in shock. We see occasional flashes of light outside.)
CROW: Whoa! That thing's huge!
MIKE: I'm surprised it doesn't effect the Earth's tides...
TOM: I'm more surprised that it looks like a giant petri-dish...
(Castle.)
PEARL: Ok, I've up-linked the Satellite of Love's communication array and spliced it into the nearest AT&T satellite. Since those bug-eyed interlopers have commandeered our communications systems, let's see them handle a little virus, Pearl-style! (She hits a small button and we hear a Macintosh start-up sound).
(SOL. The lights dim and the power goes down for a moment. The guys gasp as we see a bright flash outside the window and hear a resounding BOOM.)
ALL: Oooooohhhhh! Ahhhhh!
TOM: Whoa, Pearl doesn't mess around.
MIKE: Yeah, I'm just glad she's on our side.
CROW: Uh, Mike...
MIKE: Oh, right... Enemy of goodness and light. Gotcha.
(Castle. PEARL is looking pleased with herself as BOBO walks up behind her.)
BOBO: Well, Lawgiver, I bet that's the last we'll be seeing of *those* aliens!
PEARL: Yeah, well I couldn't let them strip-mine the planet before *I* could. That job's taken! (she turns to the camera) Well guys, with the Electromagnetic Pulse I just released across the planet, I'm afraid I can't send you a movie. However, through the magic that *is* the Internet, I can still upload a lovely little bit of patriotic drivel specially prepared for today...
BOBO: It's about Witches!
PEARL: Right you are, Bobo. Apparently, some nut named Weyrich really wants to save us all from their evil ways ... even by going so far as to weaken America to do it!
BOBO: He's a patriot!
PEARL: (rolling her eyes) Can it, fuzzy; upload the article to them...
BOBO: Ooh! Right away, Lawgiver!
(SOL. Movie sign lights are flashing.)
MIKE: Ahhhhh! We've got Internet Siiiiign!
TOM/CROW: (running off-camera) Yaaaahhh!
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(Theater Interior. The net-rant slowly loads on the screen as the guys walk in and take their seats.)
> Is America Becoming a Pagan Nation?
CROW: Now, is he talking about "Pagan" in the original Latin, meaning "Rural", or the modern "I traipse about in the woods worshiping Pan"?
MIKE: Probably the latter, Crow.
TOM: What's wrong with worshiping Pan? Personally, I always use it as a low-fat alternative to butter or cooking oil...
MIKE: That's "Pam", Tom...
TOM: Pam ... Pan; all I care about is that my lemon chicken doesn't stick.
> Paul M. Weyrich
CROW: (pointing at the screen) Why, a cruel imp!
TOM: I see it more as this article being "a wry, chump lie".
MIKE: (sighing and shaking his head) Guys, don't you have better things to do than play with anagrams?
TOM: (shaking his head) Nope.
CROW: Not while reading this stuff...
> July 6, 1999
TOM: Must've been a slow news day.
> > A few weeks ago the Free Congress Foundation stood up for our > Judeo-Christian heritage and opposed the decision by the U.S. > Army to permit the Wiccan religion to hold services on base.
MIKE: (dryly) And thanks to the Free Congress Foundation, it was a great day for the First Amendment.
> The Army is even considering chaplains for the Wiccans.
CROW: Charlie Chaplain was a Wiccan?!!
MIKE: He probably had to keep silent about it...
> > The Wiccans are an ancient pagan religion run by covens of > witches. They invoke pagan "gods" to support their causes.
TOM: Nice to see at least *someone* has a direct line to the Powers That Be...
> If > that's not bad enough, the Army has even listed the Church of > Satan among its approved religions for holding services on > base.
TOM: So the Army doesn't discriminate in who it gets to do it's killing. So what?
CROW: What does the Church of Satan have to do with this anyway?
MIKE: Well, a lot of contemporary extremists still believe that anyone not worshiping Jehovah is somehow actively serving Satan.
TOM: So, the Eleventh Commandment reads "If you aren't for me, you're against me"?
MIKE: (sighing) For some people it does, Tom...
> > A few organizations joined us in our call for a boycott of > Army recruitment until this matter is settled.
CROW: (in an impassioned voice) By God, I love this country so much I'll weaken it before I give in to tolerance and understanding!
TOM: (in a similar tone) I won't have *my* sons and daughters serving alongside Hindus!
MIKE: Uh, Tom, that's Wiccans.
TOM: You think that matters to Weyrich?
MIKE Uh, probably not. Carry on...
> We are, after > all, a country where military service is voluntary.
TOM: Unless you count Vietnam...
> Do > Christian or religious Jewish parents want to send their kids > off to the military only to have them proselytized by a pagan > religion?
CROW: Wait a minute... Wiccans don't proselytize; it's against their beliefs!
MIKE: Oh, don't worry Crow. Weyrich is probably just projecting his own insecurities.
TOM: (butting in) Or lying.
CROW: Either way, shouldn't he be seeking out therapy?
MIKE: Probably.
> I think not. When we go to war, even a war we > dislike, such as the war in Kosovo, we implore the God of our > fathers to watch over our men and women in the armed > services.
MIKE: What about the God of our mothers?
TOM: Or the God of our uncles?
CROW: Or the God of our second cousin's neighbor Charlie who had that hernia operation last week?
> If the Army permits prayers to pagan "gods" how > long will it be that God's blessing will continue to be upon > His people?
TOM: Well, if centuries of Holy Wars, theological bigotry and religious hypocrisy haven't swayed Him yet, I doubt if this'll have much of an impact...
> > I have heard from every Wiccan in the country about this.
(The guys start laughing.)
MIKE: Man, this guy's mailbox must be busier than Santa Claus'...
> They may be a small group but they are well organized.
CROW: I guess he's never heard the saying that "Organizing Pagans is like herding cats".
> > Christians and religious Jews, with the exception of the few > organizations that have joined us, have been silent on this > issue until now.
TOM: Yes, they have something called "lives".
> > Rev. Pat Robertson has acted and spoken.
TOM: Oh, great.
CROW: Here we go...
> First off, his > representative signed on to our statement on the Wiccans.
MIKE: (in an bad, English-accented falsetto) We've found a Witch! May we burn her?
> But > the next day, the Washington office pulled their name from > the list of organizations supporting the boycott.
ALL: (shocked) Hunh?!!
> That order > came from headquarters. Now that former Interior Secretary > Don Hodel is no longer running Christian Coalition, decisions > like that are being made by Robertson himself.
CROW: (still stunned) Well, yeah, but ... but...
MIKE: Hold on Crow, this may be a bit weird, but I'm sure Pat'll do *something* intolerant by the end of it.
> Robertson > wasn't content to be neutral on the subject.
TOM: Oh, like Pat Robertson has ever been known to have a neutral position on something...
> No, he has now > supported the right of Wiccans to hold their services on > military bases.
CROW: What?
TOM: You mean Robertson actually did something right?
MIKE: (sounding nervous) Guys, did we accidentally slip into the Mirror-Mirror universe here?
> > "I'm not worried about a little coven of witches running > around...[R]ather than suppress us all, we might give them > their freedom", said Robertson.
TOM: Cool! Covens of tiny Witches! Mike, can I get one?
MIKE: I dunno Tom; remember what happened to your Sea Monkeys?
CROW: Y'know guys, you gotta admit Pat's really acting enlightened here...
TOM: Think he'll start speaking out on behalf of Gays in the Military?
MIKE: I think it's a bit early to hope for that, Tom...
> > There we have it. Moral equivalency.
TOM: No; there we have a recognition that America isn't a theocracy.
> Robertson's 700 Club > Television program sent a crew to cover the Military Pagan > Network's full moon prayer circle near the Jefferson > Memorial, according to the PR Newswire.
TOM: (singing) I see a Full Moon arisin'...!
> John Machete
CROW: ...third cousin of Mack the Knife...
> of the > Military Pagan Network said "Religious tolerance is the price > of religious freedom for all. We are pleased that the > Christian Broadcasting Network attended our press event.
CROW: Y'know, I'm reading that sentence over and over again, but it's just not computing.
MIKE: (patting CROW's shoulder) I know, Crow... I never thought I'd see those words strung together either.
> Their story was fair and balanced. We thank Rev. Robertson > for his support of religious freedom," Machete told the PR > newswire.
CROW: (in an amazed tone of voice) Man, this is almost as surreal as the Bob Dole / Log Cabin Republicans thing...
> > Christians, it seems, should not speak with a loud voice > against pagan practices. Christians should be tolerant of > what historically has been considered evil.
MIKE: And with tolerance like Pat Robertson's, we're only steps away from cavorting with Satan himself!
> I have news for > Pat Robertson and the rest of the feminized Christians out > there.
TOM: (perplexed) "Feminized Christians"?
MIKE: Sounds like something out of "The Bionic Woman".
CROW: Look out! It's Dr. Franklin and his Fem-Christians!
> When good remains silent in the face of evil, evil > eventually triumphs over good.
CROW: So much for the "all-powerful" aspects of Jehovah...
> > For over 220 years we did not depend on the approbation of > witches to assert the Jewish or Christians faiths in our > military. Why now?
MIKE: Uh, because they were busy being persecuted, hunted and slaughtered by nuts like you?
> What is next, you ask?
TOM: Tofu-burgers!
CROW: A new Jack Lemmon / Walter Matthau comedy!
MIKE: A female president of the United States!
> Rep. Bob Barr of > Georgia has the answer.
TOM: The instigator of the "Defense of Marriage Act"? I sincerely doubt it...
> The Army is now going to permit > so-called Indian religions to use peyote, a controlled > illegal substance, in the conduct of their services on > military bases.
TOM: Man, Weyrich really has trouble wrapping his brain around that "all religions are valid in America" concept, doesn't he?
MIKE: Well for him, wrapping his brain around *anything* is probably like over-stuffing an egg-roll...
> How would you like to send your son up in a > military plane piloted by someone who just used peyote in his > so-called religious service?
CROW: Oh, I dunno... Probably about the same as if the pilot had just been imbibing the "Blood of our Savior"...
TOM: Y'know, this guy uses the words "so-called" to describe other people's beliefs an awful lot. You think he has a superiority complex?
MIKE: Either that or he's running out of pejorative adjectives.
> > No, paganism isn't just another religion. If you doubt this, > read the Old Testament.
TOM: Ah yes... The Old Testament. Last refuge of the theologically intolerant.
CROW: Isn't it a bit biased to look to one religion for an account of another?
MIKE: Oh, I dunno. I think I could get a pretty good view of Born-Again Fundamentalism by reading the "Principia Dischordia".
> Who are the witnesses? Moses proved > more than once to Pharaoh whose God was the real God. Or ask > Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
TOM: As long as you can stop laughing at their names long enough, that is...
> There are many, many other > witnesses as well. You get the point.
CROW: Sure we do! The verbatim, literal interpretations of apocryphal, ancient stories from the Middle East must be true...
MIKE: Well, if so I hope he didn't write this essay on a Sunday or he's in big trouble...
> > If those of us who believe in the one true God tolerate this, > we will have taken another step toward becoming a Pagan > nation.
TOM: Take my word for it! Tolerance and understanding will destroy us all!
> We might recall that the Pagans held the Jews captive > for Centuries. We might recall how the Pagans tortured the > Christians for Centuries until the Emperor Constantine, equal > to the Apostles, legalized Christianity.
CROW: We might recall how the Christians burned, tortured and slaughtered European Pagans for centuries until forcing them into hiding...
MIKE: Besides, it wasn't because they were Jews or Christians that they were persecuted by Pagans... Rome went after everyone...
TOM: (sighing) Tell that to the religiously inspired nut who wrote this, Mike. I have the feeling he wouldn't care.
> > Do we really want to go down this road?
CROW: (singing) Follow the yellow-brick road! Follow the yellow-brick road!
TOM: (in a Margaret Hamilton cackle) I'll get you my pretties! And your little God too!
> I'll make this > prediction.
TOM: Whoops, and now he's making predictions! Looks like he's violating all sorts of Old Testament laws...!
> If we do, Rev. Robertson will be the first to be > persecuted when the time comes.
MIKE: Y'know, that kinda sounds like a threat.
CROW: Nice to know that the ever-compassionate religious right can come together in these moments of spiritual crisis.
> > Paul Weyrich is president of the Free Congress Foundation.
CROW/TOM: (chanting) Free Congress! Free Congress! Attica! Attica!
> Contact: Robert McFarland 202.546.3000
TOM: Cool! We've got Freddy Kreuger's home phone number!
MIKE: Actually, he was played by Robert Englund, Tom.
TOM: Yeah, but I'm *still* going stick my tongue out through the receiver at him...
CROW: (quietly) You have a tongue?
> rmcfarland@freecongress.org > > Visit Our Website at http://www.FreeCongress.org
MIKE: Or, for an alternate view, http://www.witchvox.com/.
> > Copyright * Free Congress Foundation 1999 All Rights Reserved > > --------------------------------------------------------------
TOM: Please detach along the dotted line and mail, with your payment, to Free Congress!
CROW: Yes, for just the price of a cup of coffee a day, you too can help support the capture and release program to return Capitol Hill politicians to their natural environments...
> > Subscribe OR Renew Your Favorite Publications and Save Money! > > Subscribe to McCalls for just $10 a year -- a $5.94 savings. > Visit NewsMax.com Magazines Now! >
CROW: Hunh?
TOM: What th'...?
MIKE: So, first we call for the abolition of the Wiccan religion in America and then segue in an advertisement for McCalls?
(MIKE picks up TOM and starts to leave.)
CROW: I wonder if NewsMax.com carries "The Green Egg" or "Gnosis"?
(They leave the theater.)
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(SOL Interior. CROW is dressed in a 1700's-style dress, wearing a wig and sitting with an American flag in his lap. TOM is dressed up as George Washington. CROW makes sewing motions as TOM approaches.)
TOM: Darn it, Betsy, we need a symbol ... an icon to hold high and proudly proclaim that we are the land of the free... Land of the brave...
CROW: (in an old lady's voice) Hold your horses, George; the war won't start without you.
TOM: Yes, but what can we do? What symbolizes true freedom and can be a rallying point for fledgling Americans everywhere?
CROW: (sighing) Oh, well if you must know, I've been working on that very problem for the past three hours... And I think I've got it.
TOM: You do?
CROW: Sure I do! Uh... (CROW looks at his non-functional arms and then shouts off-camera) Oh, house-boy! House-boy! Come here and show General Washington what I've been working on...
(MIKE walks on-camera in little shorts and Revolutionary War costuming complete with a tri-corner hat. He looks embarrassed and the bots snicker as he enters.)
MIKE: Uh, sure thing, Betsy Ross...
(MIKE reaches over and picks up the flag that was in CROW's lap. It's an American flag with it's circle of stars in the upper-left corner; but each star is a pentagram.)
CROW: There! See? Freedom for all!
TOM: Why it's perfect! Bless you Betsy! Goddess Bless us all!
(The lights fade on the CROW and TOM's little play. When the lights come back up, MIKE is nodding to the bots.)
MIKE: Not bad guys; not bad at all... Very nice way of showing a little Pagan influence in our Founding Fathers.
CROW: (despondently) Well, I still don't know if I delivered my lines very well...
MIKE: Oh, you did well, Crow. You too, Tom!
TOM: Well, it *was* my idea...
(The mads lights start flashing.)
MIKE: Well, it was a wonderful effort all around.
CROW: Yeah, and we even got you to dress up like a geek to do it!
MIKE: (sighing) Uh, yeah...
(MIKE reaches over and taps the lights.)
(Castle Forrester. PEARL and BOBO have pulled a couch up to the window and are looking out at flashes of light with the occasional "Ooooh" and "Ahhh" from them both.)
BOBO: Ohhhhh! I liked that green one, Lawgiver!
PEARL: Yeah, who'd've thought blowing up that giant ship would produce such a great fireworks display?
(OBSERVER comes in excitedly, wringing his hands.)
OBSERVER: Ahhh! Pearl! Bobo... Guess what? I have very exciting news!
PEARL: (chuckling) You found out we're not out of Noxema?
OBSERVER: Well, yes, but more than that! I just received a delayed mental transmission from my people that they managed to put all of our culture's life data into a massive brain ship and are sending it here to Earth for me to take care of! Isn't that splendid?!!
BOBO: Ooooh?
PEARL: Uh, say what?
OBSERVER: Yes! It's on it's way now; it should be arriving any time now! It will be my sacred duty to ensure that the knowledge of our race will live on! (He looks out the window at the flashing lights.) Say, what's going on out there?
PEARL: (nervously) Uh, nothing... Just some fireworks... Fourth of July and all that stuff...
OBSERVER: Oh really? I've always enjoyed primative cultural festivals. May I join you?
PEARL: Uh, sure... Here... (she gets up) Take my seat.
(OBSERVER sits down next to BOBO as PEARL addresses the camera again with a sigh.)
PEARL: Well fellahs, that's all I have for this week; but who knows? Maybe Bob Barr's press release is still out there for some future pain...
OBSERVER: Ohhhh! Look! Little brain-shaped fireworks!
PEARL: Uh, until then, I'd better go break the news to Brain Guy. See ya!
(PEARL hits a button on her control panel and the screen goes black.)
OBSERVER: (in a stunned voice) Wait a minute... AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo, TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy, Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific contents are copyright (c) 1999 (currently) of Best Brains, Incorporated and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or the Free Congress Foundation is intended or should be inferred.
And yes, I know that Oxygen doesn't explode like that...
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> Christians, it seems, should not speak with a loud voice > against pagan practices.