Fair and Unfair Rules

Optional rules-as-you-go make the game more challenging, more irritating, and more fun. There are fair rules and unfair rules, but their ultimate purpose is to start arguments and to promote excessive drinking, hence “Light the Fuse.”

In general, any “fair” rule must be agreed upon by all the players, but the rules below are so old and popular that they’ve been grandfathered in to the school of, “Oh shut up, whiner, Aristotle made up this rule.” If someone bitches about any of these rules, they’re probably not really interested in debaucheryball….

Golf Rule

Playing the bocce balls where they lie (just like golf) is a pretty standard first rule.

Makes it quite a bit more interesting, and makes poor throws a real pain in the ass, especially near hills, lakes, playgrounds, and swamps. And snake pits.

The Throw

Balls cannot be rolled and must be lobbed, or vice versa. Interesting, but how to quantify a lob or a roll?

Smash Stuff

The ball must hit something other than the ground to be considered “live.”

This can get really ugly when the only thing you can hit is another player, but makes the game really challenging.

Etiquette Rule

The player farthest away from the object ball throws first (like golf).

Anti-etiquette Rule

The player closest to the object ball throws first (unlike golf).

Beat It, or Else

The next player has to keep throwing until they get inside the closest ball (very much like that wussy game bocce ball). This sometimes means that the winner of the turn only throws one ball.

Throw 'Em All

There is no alternating throws: each team throws all their balls, then the other team throws all theirs.

Finish Your Beer

Breaking a rule means you have to finish your beer instead of losing a throw.

Pallina Last

Throw the object ball after all the bocces have been thrown. (This gets interesting.)

San Pedro Rule

If a spectator moves your ball, you play it where it lies.

No Peek Rule

In a recent two-person match, I found myself in the unfortunate situation of having my ball stuck in a tree because of this rule.

Not only was the damn ball in a tree, but it was way up in a tree--with no low branches to use for purchase. I had to grab the tree like a dog humping someone's leg and shimmy myself up. (The other parkgoers were amused and horrified at the same time.)

Struggling to keep my grip on the tree, due to a combination of beer and laughing, I managed to toss the ball from about 12 feet in the air, hitting branches on the way down, and landed that puppy about 8 inches from the jack. I, of course, promptly fell out of the tree and cracked two ribs.

All in the name of fun, y'know?

You'll probably find that if you don't invite the women to play with you, you're in the doghouse for awhile. (Fed-up wives and sisters often refer to the game as "assholeball.")

Or perhaps define your terms (see BocceBowl glossary) and penalize utterers of an “improper term” like calling the nubbin the jack, calling the ass-crack ball the broken ball, calling the beer bitch by his first name, etc. Make ‘em up as you go.

Et cetera, et cetera.

You'll probably find as you find consistent D-ball players and places that you'll have awesome, memorable games with unique combinations of rules that made it fun. Groups of rules are okay to start with, if, of course, everyone agrees to it.

Zumbro River Rules

One terrific example is a game in 2003 in Zumbro Falls, Minnesota. Charlie, Pat, and Darrin decided that a game of river 'bauchy was in order. The Zumbro, being a shallow river in a drought year, was about 2 feet deep with crystal clear water and sandbars everywhere. We left the cooler on the sandbar and played for about three hours in a blinding hot September sun. The rules were: play the balls as they lie, throw the jack last on every other round, and if you're standing in water, you throw normally, but if you're on land, you have to throw between your legs.

Here we see someone caught in the act of outdoor bladder relief. And that was just a baby shower.

Unfair rules, on the other hand, are all about singling out and screwing one particular person, especially if they're in the process of kicking everyone's ass. It’s unsportsmanlike to try to make an unfair rule to affect a whole team.

The simplest definition of an unfair rule is "a rule to which only 3 of 4 players have to agree. (By comparison, a fair rule is one to which all players must agree. So I guess an unfair rule is a rule to which all players save one have to agree.)

A good unfair rule relies heavily on the recipient's personality, ability to take it as well as dish it out, and ability to pound beers at a moment's notice.

2. Unfair Rules

So-and-so has to throw lefty.

So-and-so has to stand on one foot, or throw from their knees, whatever.

So-and-so has to get me a beer whenever I ask for one. (Comes in HANDY.)

So-and-so has to get beers for anyone who asks for one.

Chris was a good sport this day. In addition to the loser of the last game wearing ladies' PJs, the player farthest from the jack on the last throw had to throw their first one out with their pants down.

If So-and-so’s ball is closer to him/her than it is to the object ball after he/she has thrown, so-and-so has to finish his/her beer.

So-and-so can’t talk.

So-and-so has to use the Frisbee and the basketball instead of their bocce balls.

So-and-so has to wear the pink bathrobe.

There is absolutely no bitching allowed about any rule, unfair or otherwise. If you don't like getting picked on, then you should A) behave in such a way that people won't pick on you, B) learn to play better so you can pick on them, C) or don't play at all. At any rate, take it like a man. Even if you're a girl.

For the rest of you, screw 'em if they can't take a joke.

Send us your rules! If you think up cool new ways to play bauch'y ball, we want to hear about it. Send them along to ridesmart <at> gmail <dot> com and we'll post them here.