A paradox of parenting
In this week's Newsweek is an article titled, "In Trouble For Show And Tell." In it, it described a significant up-tick in kindergarteners being suspended for inappropriate sexual activity. That's right, sexual activity in a group of kids who are still supposed to believe in the stork.
What, pray, is leading to this purported increase in pulchritude in those aged 5-6? Nothing! It's always been there, it's part of the development process. But schools are much more worried about lawsuits alleging lack of due diligence in policing inappropriate sexual behavior, so they're getting proactive about it in order to avoid massive legal costs.
The paradox here is that kids of that age have to know WHAT behavior is unacceptable, while at the same time preserving their innocence by not knowing WHY it is unacceptable.
I know a couple who is home-schooling their kids. Unlike most such couples, one parent is a trained educator. Neither kid has reached age 5, yet they've already had several in depth discussions about puberty and sex. Kids that age can handle some of this stuff without having their heads explode in a puff of sin. My own parents introduced me to at least the anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and mature genitals at a pretty young age, definitely well before I got the same stuff (a bit watered down) in class.
As a caveat, I didn't get the true meaning of puberty and, shall we say, human courtship rituals, until 6th grade. I have a memory of visiting a doctor's office where sexual development was being discussed. I knew the parts involved pretty good, but this 'puberty' word was a new one on me. I may very well have been sexually harassing my female classmates in Kindergarten and none of us may have known it but the teachers!
The fact is that, 'sexual touch is something you just don't do,' is a social taboo that is a learned thing. Like all learned behaviors, it takes time for the lessons to sink in. Children aged 5 have immature ethical and moral systems, so it comes as no surprise at all to me that these children are still violating this taboo.
The first encounter children generally have with this taboo is the, "bad touch," talk. The "bad touch" talk is very clearly aimed at adults, as the aim of the talk is to get the child to report when an adult is molesting them. What this talk does not do is sensitize the child to other things, such as bad touch from age peers, teaching that inappropriate exposure is inappropriate all the time ("I've got new underwear! Look!"), and nudity is never done outside the home. This is a topic that has long been on the list of, "things we don't talk about and hope we never have to." If schools are going to continue to be paranoid about lawsuits on this frontier, this will have to change.
In a perfect world, so the thinking goes, children wouldn't even consider doing anything sexual until they're 18. Children shouldn't have ANY sexual experiences until they're in their teens at least, and, as the thinking goes, anything that happens before then is somehow damaging. The developing mind just isn't ready for ...that... stuff.
Unfortunately for the thinking, reality differs somewhat. I've heard many anecdotal reports from parents and even some journal articles (that I don't have the energy to chase down right now) about masturbatory behavior in children who are in pre-school, or earlier. That behavior is self-rewarding even at that age, so can be hard to stamp out. This sort of behavior is rather common.
The practice of suspending kindergarteners for inappropriate sexual behavior unfortunately makes sense. The schools don't touch sex until 6th grade or there about, if they touch on it at all, so sending the child home for some home-schooling about what they did wrong makes sense. The problem here is that 1, 3, or 5 days isn't enough to really inculcate the social taboo into a child. "You just don't do that," will work on some children, but others need more subtle methods to really learn that lesson.
It is sad that schools have to punish children for the paranoias of the parents. Especially if the behavior being punished is one that is fairly common to the age group. To me this just underlines that we need to start teaching our children about this stuff at a younger age. That is not likely to happen, seeing as how bad a job we're doing with children who ARE old enough to learn about it. But it would help.
What, pray, is leading to this purported increase in pulchritude in those aged 5-6? Nothing! It's always been there, it's part of the development process. But schools are much more worried about lawsuits alleging lack of due diligence in policing inappropriate sexual behavior, so they're getting proactive about it in order to avoid massive legal costs.
The paradox here is that kids of that age have to know WHAT behavior is unacceptable, while at the same time preserving their innocence by not knowing WHY it is unacceptable.
I know a couple who is home-schooling their kids. Unlike most such couples, one parent is a trained educator. Neither kid has reached age 5, yet they've already had several in depth discussions about puberty and sex. Kids that age can handle some of this stuff without having their heads explode in a puff of sin. My own parents introduced me to at least the anatomy and physiology of pregnancy and mature genitals at a pretty young age, definitely well before I got the same stuff (a bit watered down) in class.
As a caveat, I didn't get the true meaning of puberty and, shall we say, human courtship rituals, until 6th grade. I have a memory of visiting a doctor's office where sexual development was being discussed. I knew the parts involved pretty good, but this 'puberty' word was a new one on me. I may very well have been sexually harassing my female classmates in Kindergarten and none of us may have known it but the teachers!
The fact is that, 'sexual touch is something you just don't do,' is a social taboo that is a learned thing. Like all learned behaviors, it takes time for the lessons to sink in. Children aged 5 have immature ethical and moral systems, so it comes as no surprise at all to me that these children are still violating this taboo.
The first encounter children generally have with this taboo is the, "bad touch," talk. The "bad touch" talk is very clearly aimed at adults, as the aim of the talk is to get the child to report when an adult is molesting them. What this talk does not do is sensitize the child to other things, such as bad touch from age peers, teaching that inappropriate exposure is inappropriate all the time ("I've got new underwear! Look!"), and nudity is never done outside the home. This is a topic that has long been on the list of, "things we don't talk about and hope we never have to." If schools are going to continue to be paranoid about lawsuits on this frontier, this will have to change.
In a perfect world, so the thinking goes, children wouldn't even consider doing anything sexual until they're 18. Children shouldn't have ANY sexual experiences until they're in their teens at least, and, as the thinking goes, anything that happens before then is somehow damaging. The developing mind just isn't ready for ...that... stuff.
Unfortunately for the thinking, reality differs somewhat. I've heard many anecdotal reports from parents and even some journal articles (that I don't have the energy to chase down right now) about masturbatory behavior in children who are in pre-school, or earlier. That behavior is self-rewarding even at that age, so can be hard to stamp out. This sort of behavior is rather common.
The practice of suspending kindergarteners for inappropriate sexual behavior unfortunately makes sense. The schools don't touch sex until 6th grade or there about, if they touch on it at all, so sending the child home for some home-schooling about what they did wrong makes sense. The problem here is that 1, 3, or 5 days isn't enough to really inculcate the social taboo into a child. "You just don't do that," will work on some children, but others need more subtle methods to really learn that lesson.
It is sad that schools have to punish children for the paranoias of the parents. Especially if the behavior being punished is one that is fairly common to the age group. To me this just underlines that we need to start teaching our children about this stuff at a younger age. That is not likely to happen, seeing as how bad a job we're doing with children who ARE old enough to learn about it. But it would help.
posted by Corwin at 8:38 AM
