Letters from Cyrano

I thought EVERYONE knew about Scratch'N'Sniff! One of the great joys in my life is doing the unexpected. As a kid my crowd believed that: If it's not against the law (well, a big law anyway), doesn't hurt anyone and doesn't cost anyone real money, then do it! Because if you don't you'll wish to hell you had later on! I've never done serious time for any of my escapades but I have received some interesting looks. Kinda like this past weekend when I was camping with some friends at an SCA (Society For Creative Anachronisms) event. My good buddy Fred, my wife Linda and I were in a small IGA grocery store in Chipmunk Sweat, Vermont, picking up items we'd forgotten to bring. (That ALWAYS happens when you're camping.) Fred wandered of into another aisle as Linda and I were perusing the aisle that men hate - feminine hygiene and baby stuff.

Fred is a short, cuddly, roly-poly kinda fellow about 10 years older than me and is the perfect foil for most of my escapades and jokes. The store was semi-empty and AWFULLY quiet, so I looked around and, seeing no one, hollered across about 3 aisles of groceries, "HEY, FRED!"

A moment's pause and Fred hollers back, "HEY, WHAT?" "I FOUND YOUR DEPENDS!" Linda immediately found another aisle to check out while Fred came over to where I was, pointed his finger at me and said, "You're bad! You're soooo bad!" Employees and other shoppers were peeking around the corner to see who was shouting and who needed the Depends. One last note before I move onto the Scratch'N'Sniff story... as we were checking out, the clerk kept looking for the Depends. I know she wanted to ask where they were!

It was Late September/early October of 1967 and I was home on leave prior to departing for Vietnam. I was busy showing off my uniform and taking advantage of the fact that I was on my way to a combat zone. At the time it seemed a great adventure and while a bit scary it gained me a modicum of attention which I loved! I had visions of coming back a genuine war hero, complete with parades, pretty girls throwing flowers at me... the whole nine yards!

One of my friends, Tony, and I decided to go to San Antonio for a quick visit so we jumped into Tony's car, drove to San Antone and proceeded to do the town! I love San Antonio. It's one of the most romantic cities in the world. The Riverwalk is a beautiful place to take a pretty girl whether for dinner, shopping, browsing or just holding hands. During the Great Depression, President Franklin Roosevelt had the WPA (Works Progress Administration) dredge out the San Antonio River and pave the banks. The river runs right through the heart of San Antonio and is lined with beautiful trees, small boutiques, hotels and restaurants, restaurants, restaurants! There are barges that will take you up and down the river, some of them are restaurant barges, and as you drift along your barge will come around a bank when suddenly you'll see a live stage show on your right complete with mariachi band, dancers, bright lights and all the colors your eyes can handle! On your left is a full audience sitting in an amphitheater enjoying the show! And you're part of it!

Unfortunately Tony and I had no dates that particular weekend so we did all the sights on our own. Finally we headed for the Alamo. Seeing the Alamo for the first time is a bit disconcerting for most folks. When one thinks of the Alamo you think of broad plains, cattle, cowboys, dust and sun. Actually the Alamo is smack in the center of downtown San Antonio, right across the street from Woolworth's. I love taking folks there for the first time because I always get the same reaction, a complete let down! Disillusionment.

We walked through the main doors of the old Spanish mission and entered the central area which has oil paintings everywhere along with glass cases displaying artifacts belonging to the men who fought there. The story of the Alamo is the story of 185 men who fought a hopeless holding action against the Armies of General Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana in 1836. Those men fought and died so that Sam Houston could have time to get an army together and defeat the Mexican Army. At that time Texas was part of Mexico and the Texians were trying to form a republic. The Mexican government, under the presidency of Santa Ana, had been making more and more outrageous demands so the Anglos from Norte America finally decided it was time to secede from Mexico. Santa Ana and his Army of about 5,000 men moved north across the Rio Grande (I hate it when they call it the Rio Grande River because Rio Grande means Big River. That would be like calling it the Big River River.) and along the way ran into those 185 men holding the mission known as the Alamo. Rather than bypass the Alamo and leave a garrison of armed men sitting on his supply lines, Santa Ana decided to annihilate the defenders. He finally did but only after 13 long days and at great cost in terms of men and material.

Meanwhile back to 1967... Tony and I were wandering around the mission and we saw these brass plaques on the walls that said, "QUIET! HEROES DIED HERE." Tony is one of those rare people who think like I do... in right angles to the rest of the world. Bob from San Francisco and Dale from Boston are two others. Sometimes out of the blue we'll think and say exactly the same thing at exactly the same time. I've never met a woman who could do that with the same consistency. It's spooky to say the least.

As we read the brass plaques Tony turned to me and I turned to him, we both grinned impishly and said in loud voices, "So this is the scene of the great victory!" Sitting behind a podium at one end of the mission was an old woman. She looked to be one of the artifacts initially but she was still breathing. Thin, wizened, all puckered up with her steel blue hair pulled back into a bun she looked like she'd managed to pass the last 150 years on a diet consisting solely of lemons and persimmons. Fire shot from her eyes and she stood up and pointed one long-nailed, bony forefinger at us like some lost prophetess from the Old Testament and screeched, "GET AY-OUT! GET AY-OUT! YOUUU HEATHENS! YOU DEFAHLERS OF EVER-THING THAYT'S SAYKRED! GET AY-OUT OF MAH ALAMO!" She proceeded to chase us out of HER Alamo and boy did we run! We fired out of that place like two cats witht heir tails on fire and didn't stop till we'd hit the city limits. When we did stop the first thing we did was to check for warts cause we both knew for sure she had cast some kinda toad spell on us.

Well, once we got over the terror of the situation we chuckled over her antics all the way home. Tony mentioned to me, in a couple of letters written while in I was Nam, that he wouldn't go back. She scared him! Scared HIM? Hell, I was glad I was in Nam where it was safe!

In October of '68 I went home from Vietnam a bit changed from the same glory starved kid who'd left a year before. Everything back home seemed pretty much the same but I had changed. I felt uncomfortable walking around without my helmet and rifle, jumped at strange noises, checked the trees regularly for snipers (I still do that in the woods) and just plain felt uncomfortable! I went to San Antonio one day in November of '68 to visit a friend. While there I decided to visit the Alamo and commiserate with some men who'd known their own form of terror. It seemed a different place to me now that'd I'd been shot at, too. As I walked in the front door I paused to take in the quiet, subdued atmosphere and just stood there. "GET AY-OUT! GET AY-OUT! AH REMEMBER YOU! YOU'RE THE HEATHEN WHO DEFAHLED MAH ALAMO!" and she chased me out again!

I went back to San Antonio in 1980 with Linda and two good friends. I let them go in first and I just kinda hid behind them. That was the last time I can remember skulking. I haven't really skulked since then but I did some world class skulking on that particular day! As I peeked around Linda toward where the podium had been I saw that it was gone. I figured she finally died. I kept looking for the mummified remains everywhere cause I KNEW she was one of the exhibits! I've been back several times since but I ALWAYS let Linda walk in first and I always scope the place out first.

So, you see, when I tell you I've been thrown out of some really neat places, maybe you'll understand better. Oh! By the way, I've also been tossed out of the Louvre, The Eiffel Tower and the Palais de Chaillot. But that's another story.

Comfort and succor,
Cyrano